Thursday, February 26, 2009

Zombies Zombies Zombies [2008]

If the title doesn't give away the important plot - a mad scientist, currently working on the all profit driven cure for cancer, instead winds up concocting super crack, with a nasty side effect..."may cause zombification", and no, that didn't come from the movie...that would have been too smart. It falls into the hands of a street walker supporter, who ends up losing the stash to the prosty. She turns into a zombie, and only the strippers of a nearby peeler can save the day! **yawn**

If you're going to catch a stripper zombie flick this year...make it this one - Zombie Strippers! - Zombies Zombies Zombies has zero appeal. How can it be, it's clearly not made by horror fans...just some filmmakers trying to get noticed in the industry; and maybe they'll get lucky. Ha!

I'm still trying to figure how they wanted this to work - it's not a comedy, it's not a gore film, and it's not the least bit scary...let me explain. Strippers aren't funny, they're usually ditsy, personalityless and are mostly only useful naked (so make that way more!). How can this be a gore film when the only good kill scenes are ripoffs **cough cough** chainsaw to the head - Darkness, The Vampire Version...and belly ripped open - Day of the Dead **cough cough** and the bloodiest scenes is just some highschool grade CGI. Or how can this be scary if the fimmakers aren't horror fans and have zero knowledge of what's scary. FUCK. And I was ALMOST not going to mention the Samuel L. Jackson clone who blurts out "I'm sick of these muthafuckin zombies, in this muthafuckin strip club"...

...fuck this movie...and fuck the filmmakers for getting my hopes up...and I want my fuckin' $20 back...


Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Gutterballs [2008]

Gutterballs...has balls...some bare camel-toe, death by 69, bowling pin rape, and a few cocks thrown in for good measure - which one gets halved, post-mortem...just in case nothing else was surprisingly shocking. My inner depraved demon rejoices.

We begin at a bowling alley pulled straight from 80's slasher heaven, where a team of foul-mouthed popped collar wannabes take on a team of skanks, punks and a tranny. When a third team shows up conveniently during the forced strip search of the tranny - fights ensue, threats are made, and our story is well under way.

The alley owner breaks the fun up and sends everyone home - instructing them to return tomorrow to make up the game. Teams leave - or do they?!?! The lead skank returns to the alley moments later to find her left behind purse...the very same purse the minions of golf shirts are holding captive for when said skank returns! Dun, dun, dun. The next 12 minutes are uncomfortable, painful, and sloooooow - while the team gang rapes our victim...shades of Last House on the Left, House on the Edge of the Park and I Spit on your Grave.

Next day arrives, and the teams are back afterhours for the game - doors are chained shut, exits no where to be found, and a killer is locked-in with them! The next hour of so is just fuckin' fantastic. Everyone we hate, dies (inventively and brutally!), everyone we want to see naked, disrobes, and the laughable twist ending we hoped for, falls right into our chubby filled lap! Need I mention that our killer wheres bowling ball bag over his head?!?! HAHA Awesome.

If you love 80's slashers and can withstand 70's style exploitation, check this mutha OUT.


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

An Ear To The Blood Soaked Ground - [REC] 2 [2009]

Brilliant Spanish fimmakers Jaume Balagueró and Paco Plaza are back again to bring the next installment of the shaky cam masterpiece, [REC] (2008). The second story begins where the first left off, and will even include lead hottie Manuela Velazco, don't get too excited - apparently it's only a cameo. Hints have lead us to believe we'll get more of the backstory this time around...

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Pink Eye [2008]

The potential was there...

Synopsis: Dr.'s and staff of a patient filled insane asylum use the crazies for radical medical testing. When their latest experiment goes horribly wrong and turns everyone into vehicles of revaging violence, the most dangerous victim of all escapes and wreaks havoc in a nearby town.

Review: See Pink Eye for the first 5 minutes alone - a young patient of an insane asylum tears into her face and gouges out her eyes with her own hands - oh, the glorious goodness of gore! From there on it's a downward spiral of WTF's and pieced together edited nightmare. Sub-plots are unexplained, motivations are unclear and a dozen or so charaters should have been on the cutting room floor. Which seriously blows goats, Pink Eye was obviously helmed by a capable team...but an important ingredient must've been left out of the recipe....muff from the hair pie?!!? This micro-budget film is grimy and chock full of Savini-esque quality gore. And even our killer (a poor-man's Lecter) is enthralling, a rarity these days, and only outshined by Melissa Bacelar; who's a few scenes short of satisfactory. All in all Pink Eye's flawed but worth a peek.