Friday, September 25, 2015

Housebound [2014]

Housebound [2014]

Everyone has heard the quip, "jack of all trades, master of none", but many wouldn't realize it'd be an actual compliment when throwing it at a horror film.  Yes, most of the "masters" are long gone (RIP Wes Craven), but being a jack is pretty solid, and being a jack in all aspects of a horror film is pretty bad ass, let alone it being from a first-time director, writer, editor, actor...err...ok, so he didn't act, but I bet he even prepared the small sandwiches table for the actors. 

Kylie Bicknell is a rebellious hellion living the life of late teen crime, when an ATM robbery goes bad, and she ends up being sentenced to house arrest at Ma and Pa's house, a couple seemingly pulled right out of a J&E Coen's Fargo script, and things aren't all right in the old and creaky abode.

Once home, Kylie settles in and mayhem begins.  Meatloafs eaten, Coronation Street's missed, "Hello Moto" is scary, and somehow a bitch becomes endearing.  Housebound is scary, funny, well written, and a blast from start to finish.  Highly recommended.


Friday, September 11, 2015

Triangle [2009]

Triangle [2009]

If you've never seen a time loop flick before, you'll probably be drooling over Triangle.  But for those well versed in this psychological mind fuck gag it's just another ripoff.  Triangle ripped off Timecrimes (2007), which ripped off Salvage (2006), which ripped off Primer (2004), which ripped off Run Lola Run (1998), which ripped off Groundhog Day (1993).  Now if only Groundhog Day ripped off Triangle...miiiiiiiiiind, bloooooooown (pakeww!).  

Now, I'm not saying the time loop gag is overdone, or can't be successful, it every film I mentioned above I'd call a helluva good movie.  Unfortunately, that's all of them except Triangle.  Why?  Triangle is about as scary as Groundhog Day.

Triangle had a card to play, in a hand all too often played, and it folded.  Besides Salvage, none of its time loop predecessors had the horror card up its sleeve, the cinematic Ace of Spades, and that's where Triangle falters.  It's a horror film, where the only actual horror, is the fear of the time loop itself.


Blue Ruin [2013]

Blue Ruin [2013]

Perhaps not a "horror" in its purest summation, Blue Ruin is as terrifying and hands over your face scary as any recent jump-scare ghost flick, The Conjuring and We Are Still Here included.  Add in some bursting-flesh bullet kills and foot on the pedal pacing, it could rival any of the recent ultra-violent crime thrillers as well.

The homeless and mentally scarred son learns the killer of his parents is being let out of prison via plea deal, and well holy shit he just won't stand for that.  And that's literally all I'm going to tell you about the plot.  I'd even advise you to skip the trailer...the least you know going in, the better.


Thursday, September 3, 2015

Pieces of Talent [2014]

Pieces of Talent [2014]

Gore + Substance.  Oh yes, FearFinder shall rejoice.

Don't let any pics or its trailer fool you.  
Pieces of Talent has as much heart and soul as it does blood and guts, 
and both tandems are done to perfection.

Now go here and support these guys.


Saturday, April 4, 2015

Willow Creek [2013]

Willow Creek [2013]

For many horror fans Bobcat Goldthwait's name won't ring any sort of bell, but for many of us on the scarier side of 30yr old it rings loud and clear.  So when I see a film being advertised as "the first horror written and directed" by "Zed", from Police Academy fame, it's clearly a must-see.

Told via found footage,Willow Creek tells the tale of a two twenty-somethings fresh out of the city, on a documented adventure exploring the folklore and mystery of Bigfoot.  Along the way they stop in a small touristy town, drowned in Bigfoot dollars, meeting both believers and non-believers.

I put that shit on everything...
The slow, albeit humorous, lead up outside of the woods is well done and purposeful.  We find out our two protagonists are likeable and relatable, both equally vital and necessary to carry our viewers through the arduous journey these two will be taken.

Either I'll rape you or the sasquatch will?  What's your preference hipster douchebag?
Having left the comforts and hilarity of the small town the two make their way deep into the woods, where the only "confirmed" evidence of the giant biped was filmed.  When the couple finally stop to camp and the sun goes down, Willow Creek and Goldthwait make themselves memorable.

For what must be a painstaking 20min long, unedited and uninterrupted scene, shot within their tent, with only the actors portrayed fear and terrifying formulaic sounds found outside the thin nylon structure to carry itself is...incredible.   With every tree knock, twig snap, grunt and groan, coming closer...and's truly a behind-the-couch moment in horror that I won't soon forget.

Are you serious Jim?  Another found footage film?
From then on Goldthwait continues with the less-is-more formula and teases us with a horrifying climax that never comes.  And it is that, that Bobcat missed his opportunity to do something really special.  He put his lure in the water, we bit as expected, he tugged and reeled us closer to the boat but before he can net us, he cuts the line.  Intended or not, I'm not sure, but it was disappointment nonetheless.


Friday, April 3, 2015

Nurse 3D [2013]

Nurse 3D [2013]

Abby is an experienced nurse whose job by day "is more than sticking thermometers in butts and looking pretty" and punishing cheating husbands at night.  When Abby takes newly hired Danni under her wing and into her twisted life, blood will spill, boobs will be shown, and I'll almost turn this fucker off.


From it's idiotic opening scene all the way to it's laughable clich├ęd ending, Nurse 3D is an overt cult hit wannabe.  But despite plenty of nudity, more than it's fair share of gore, and dark comedic undertones, Nurse 3D manages to swing and miss at every pitch, and is more insult than injury to any self-respecting horror fan.

Let's find out why...

Paz de la Huerta isn't sexy, and even further away from alluring.  Maybe from the neck down, or if she doesn't speak, but in no other way is she either.  And Nurse 3D exemplifies her punch-drunk acting and her drunk-punched face almost continuously and ineptly.  Both, in which, are bad.

Maybe the winning formula would've been less this...

...and more this.  Just sayin'.

It's attempts at dark humor come off inane and forced.  "My schedule's been murder."  So was watching this drivel, Abby.  An equally failed attempt at a back story just adds minutes to the film, not the intended explanation of a believable motive.


Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Finder's Keepers

When I arrived home tonite I didn't know what to expect from my better half.  

I think I got lucky, or I'll pay for it later.

Wife "Well, those look..." *pause* "...nice."  *Walks away*