Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Drag Me To Hell [2009]

Sam Raimi finally returns to the genre that gave birth to one of hollywood's most admired directors.  And that statement alone can either give horror fanatics an adolescent tickle in their drawers or cat piss in the mouth syndrome.  Yes, we've all been waiting Evil Dead 4 for what seems like a bury Michael Jackson already eternity, but c'mon - we're talking about Sam fuckin' Raimi!  Like, gave us Bruce fuckin' Campbell fuckin' Raimi!  Like, gave us blue, green, yellow, fuckin' blood Sam fuckin' Raimi!  Like, BOOMSTICK, Sam Raimi.  I digress.  I am more than happy to give Raimi a have atter before he delivers us our quadripelgicology. 

We open in 1969, in Spain I think.  A weak and haunted young boy arrives at a mansion inhabited by a gypsy of some sort.  He stole something, demons want his soul now and I guess mansion gypsies can save the day.  But naw, they can't - boy gets pulled to hell - fast forward 40 years.

Cute but not sexy Christine Brown is a loan officer in a bank.  Old cranky peasant lady comes in, asks for leeway from a bank (thinks about the current financial system meltdown of the world) this gran's fucked and they take her house.  Grandma gums is pissed, clearly she's no banker thanker.  So she comes back later that day - attacks Christine, we get a crazy as hell underground parking scene - ending with a curse put on our heroine.

From then on it's all popcorn scares and gag humour, PG-13 style.  Christine holds hand with an east-Indian fortune teller, she kills her cat, and what do ya know?  That furtune teller knows the mansion gypsy!  Fast forward 30 minutes, present the predictable and "called it!" twist ending, and it's time for pie.

Drag Me To Hell isn't a complete waste of time - it's pretty entertaining, it's shot extremely well, it's gags were quite Evil Dead-ish, it definately has Raimi's brand farted all over it, but it's too on the fence for me.  I want the tickle or the catpiss.  Give me something poorer or give me some fuckin' horror.


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