Willow Creek [2013]

Willow Creek [2013]

For many horror fans Bobcat Goldthwait's name won't ring any sort of bell, but for many of us on the scarier side of 30yr old it rings loud and clear.  So when I see a film being advertised as "the first horror written and directed" by "Zed", from Police Academy fame, it's clearly a must-see.

Told via found footage,Willow Creek tells the tale of a two twenty-somethings fresh out of the city, on a documented adventure exploring the folklore and mystery of Bigfoot.  Along the way they stop in a small touristy town, drowned in Bigfoot dollars, meeting both believers and non-believers.

I put that shit on everything...

The slow, albeit humorous, lead up outside of the woods is well done and purposeful.  We find out our two protagonists are likeable and relatable, both equally vital and necessary to carry our viewers through the arduous journey these two will be taken.

Either I'll rape you or the sasquatch will?  What's your preference hipster douchebag?

Having left the comforts and hilarity of the small town the two make their way deep into the woods, where the only "confirmed" evidence of the giant biped was filmed.  When the couple finally stop to camp and the sun goes down, Willow Creek and Goldthwait make themselves memorable.

For what must be a painstaking 20min long, unedited and uninterrupted scene, shot within their tent, with only the actors portrayed fear and terrifying formulaic sounds found outside the thin nylon structure to carry itself is...incredible.   With every tree knock, twig snap, grunt and groan, coming closer...and closer...it's truly a behind-the-couch moment in horror that I won't soon forget.

Are you serious Jim?  Another found footage film?

From then on Goldthwait continues with the less-is-more formula and teases us with a horrifying climax that never comes.  And it is that, that Bobcat missed his opportunity to do something really special.  He put his lure in the water, we bit as expected, he tugged and reeled us closer to the boat but before he can net us, he cuts the line.  Intended or not, I'm not sure, but it was disappointment nonetheless.

6/10

Nurse 3D [2013]

Nurse 3D [2013]

Abby is an experienced nurse whose job by day "is more than sticking thermometers in butts and looking pretty" and punishing cheating husbands at night.  When Abby takes newly hired Danni under her wing and into her twisted life, blood will spill, boobs will be shown, and I'll almost turn this fucker off.

Garbage.

From it's idiotic opening scene all the way to it's laughable clichéd ending, Nurse 3D is an overt cult hit wannabe.  But despite plenty of nudity, more than it's fair share of gore, and dark comedic undertones, Nurse 3D manages to swing and miss at every pitch, and is more insult than injury to any self-respecting horror fan.

Let's find out why...

Paz de la Huerta isn't sexy, and even further away from alluring.  Maybe from the neck down, or if she doesn't speak, but in no other way is she either.  And Nurse 3D exemplifies her punch-drunk acting and her drunk-punched face almost continuously and ineptly.  Both, in which, are bad.

Maybe the winning formula would've been less this...

...and more this.  Just sayin'.

 

It's attempts at dark humor come off inane and forced.  "My schedule's been murder."  So was watching this drivel, Abby.  An equally failed attempt at a back story just adds minutes to the film, not the intended explanation of a believable motive.

4/10