FearFinder Update

I just wanted to point out a new scroll window (left hand side under the film rankings) I've added to help broaden the film base of FearFinder.  I have literally seen hundreds of modern horror movies over the last couple of years - and have been revisiting the gems lately - but I feel the time it would take to get them all properly reviewed, they wouldn't be so "modern" anymore.  

So for the next few weeks I'll be going back to every one I've seen.  I'll rate them, wing a short micro-review, and then add to the new scroll window.  With the list amassed I can easily pick and choose ones to revisit, and in the meantime still have all of them there as a quick reference guide for you.

If anyone has any other suggestions for the site, please let me know.

An Ear To The Blood Soaked Ground - The Human Centipede [2009]

If you haven't already heard about this crazy fucker of a film, let me titillate your tingling tastelessness - A surgeon formerly specializing in separating siamese twins, 180's his space of speciality, and diverts his expertise to making them, ie joining people together!  The "first sequence" of the film stories the beginning stages of his first experiment, attaching three people, via ass to mouth - a tossin' the salad extravaganza!

The Dutch writer/director Tom Six is obviosuly one sick fuck, and I can't wait to get a bite of this one!  Keep your eyes open kids.

Deadgirl [2008]

I don't think it would be far fetched to assume, as loyal readers of this esteemed review blog, that you are of strict moral and ethical principles, and adhere to complete soundness in mind and body, in keeping with your impeccable taste and standards - so in full confidence I must pose a question to you - if you were so fortunate to find yourself in the discoverance of a beautiful reanimated female corpse, fully restrained and restricted, and in total secrecy and privacy...would ya fuck the rottin' bitch?!?!?  This is Deadgirl in a nutshell. *Yay!*

Whilst skipping school, best friends, and possibly experimental closet lovers, Rickie and J.T. seek out drunken fun from warm beer and an abandoned insane asylum.  It isn't long before their curiosity takes them deep into the basement; finding a naked hot chick shackled to a gurney.  Even unknowing that she is a zombie, Rickie is suspicious and cautious - J.T. wants to enter her ungently and urgently.  

It is at this pivotal moment that Deadgirl becomes a lifeless bitch.  If you're going to solely base your movie around fuckin' a zombie you should hit that shit Henenlotter style - blood, guts, laughs and ass - not a teen romance trip via coming-of-age roads through subtle social commentary landscapes with broken home destinations, that's a hot and harsh highway to ho-hum hell, and nobody bought tickets for that mmm-kay.

And if you are going to take the road less traveled, fill up the plot holes, explain the strange motives and inconsistencies, lay a solid foundation, and give those kids some condoms and lube.  I could write more, and give a better explanation to my grudges, but honestly, if these filmmakers won't take the time to do it right, then I won't either.

4/10

Neighborhood Watch [2005]

Neighborhood Watch is a (dangerously) spiked cocktail - part sweet, part sour, and part poison...most definitely in that order, with only the dosage mismeasured.

Bob and Wendi Patterson are two 20-somethings who moved cross country to a strange little town, it's blood pumped and kept alive only by the large chemical company that Bob arrived to work for.  If his new co-0workers weren't weird enough, his neighbors surely are.  An elderly couple too strange to be believed and an all too forward oddball - Adrian Trumbell - to name the important.

After a bouquet of poison oak and chocolates laced with horse laxative, Bob & Wendi finally wise up to Adrian's "welcome to the neighborhood" gifts, and present #3 is politely yet assuredly declined - Adrian takes offense and is determined to make them regret it.

A worthwhile effort from the writer of Dr. Giggles - Graeme Whifler - is effective, but more so just plain sick and frightfully twisted, as long as you can withstand the tedium of the first 45mins.  The front half is overfilled with unnecessary and terrible dark comedy, accompanied by momentum killer character development with no destination.  At times, it's painful to watch and outright embarrassing.   Only Nick Searcy (Adrian) is able to push this tale along with any sort of reward in sight.

In around the 47min mark, Searcy takes over the film, delivering one of the most fucked up,  craziest and ultra-psychotic characters of recent memory.  From then on, the realm only worsens- where disturbing is an understatement, creepy's a belittlement and sadistic is over-friendly - culminating into a definitive all out grotesque-fest finale.

Dribs and drabs...there's scab eating, trouser shit skids, the quaintly gorgeous Pell James, strangely erotic house cat sex, and if that doesn't do it for ya, see it for the most fucked up masturbation scene ever!

7/10

Cthulhu [2007]

Virtually no time has passed since Cthulhu ended it's screening on this Saturday afternoon, and I am already feeling the effects of this deeply rooted spin on Lovecraft's legendary tale The Shadow Over Innsmouth.  It sits in my stomach - heavy, hard, and cold.  Not this least bit digested, but I'm nonetheless writing about it now - not even my optimistic nature leads me to believe that any amount of time will allow me to do so.

Jason Cottle plays Russell, an openly gay man forced to return to his small town birthplace to act as executor for the estate of his recently deceased mother, much to the pleasure of his ultra-religious father - Reverand Marsh (brilliantly portrayed by Dennis Kleinsmith).  It isn't long before a former love (Mike - played by Scott Patrick Green) is rekindled and the real truth behind his returning begins revealing itself all around him.

Cthulhu is a (can I say perfect) blend of art-film, homosexual drama, and mythical horror.  Not often are genres co-mingled so harmoniously or  so seemingly effortlessly.  Most attempts lean unevenly or too strongly on one another and the collapse upon itself is inevitable.  And most surprisingly - I can say all of this with having no actual admiration or dislike of the film - it simply happened, and I was witness to it.  It worked, I'm just not sure if it worked for me.

The instances between Cottle and Green were captivating and enchanting - only out-shone by the breathtaking scenery of Oregon.  The short occasions of horror, including the under-earth scenes lit only by the timed flashes of a disposable camera were terrifying and claustrophobic - reminiscent of scenes from [REC], Outpost and The Descent.

Not for everyone, *ahem*  ...more acurately, only for a few - Cthulhu is well a thought-out, a well told, and a wel-come addition to the everexpanding world of modern day horror, even though I really can't say whether I liked it or not.  PS - don't let Tori Spelling's appearance in the film deter you one bit, she's kinda decent in it.  :/

7/10

Offspring [2009]

Unless you're fuckin' new, you'd know I've been a huge fan of Jack Ketchum adaptations thus far.  The Lost (2006) was violent and offensive, The Girl Next Door (2007) was discomforting and depraved, and Red (2008) was riveting and mesmerizing.  Which brings me to Offspring - summed up, more disappointing than that one time I fell asleep during a blow job - neither experience will EVER happen to me AGAIN.

Welcome to Dead River, where every 10 years or so feral children reappear and kill local home owners employed as bad actors hoping they have a young infant cuz there's is "cursed".  When the first multiple homicide occurs this go around, the cops give up after thinking real hard for a half hour and request the help of a former detective turned drunk who's got a score to settle from 10 years ago even though he caught the band of 8yr old cannibals in their cave with stolen babies and shouldn't really have anything to prove besides sleeping without a pistol in hand stone sober.

Now don't get me wrong - I bet the fuckin' book is killer - but the whole execution and direction of this film totally shit the bed.  The most capable (and we're lead to believe lead) actor gets killed way too early, a few young kids with bad makeup and even worse wigs aren't scary, and the dialogue is delivered worse than 4am pad thai.  

At least Ketchum doesn't let us down - with some sweet kid kills, feral breast feeding and a clit gets bit then spit.  And thumbs up for some great gore effects....but still...

5/10

Antichrist [2009]

Antichrist is everything that is beautiful and detestable in the world of film and horror today.  Visionaries are few and far between, but emerging almost cohesively yet individually, they're  giving birth to some of the most breathtaking horror films ever concocted.  Martyrs (2008), Let The Right One In (2008, and Vinyan (2008) are such films.  Lars von Trier's Antichrist deserves the like respect and admiration - or controversy and hatred depending on who speaks.

Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg are the nameless parents of a son who haphazardly falls to his death from a window while the two are carelessly fuckin' in among the apartment.  Each mourns uniquely - the mother terribly, emotionally, and painstakingly, and the father (a therapist) distracts his grief by attempting to treat his sorrowful wife.

When her fear of their cabin in the woods becomes apparent, the two journey to it's depths to face it head on.  Unbeknownst to the couple, the fear is stronger than they could ever imagine.  Mysteries will be revealed, horror is inevitable, and truth is inescapable.

Antichrist is beautiful to watch, terrifying to hear, and almost impossible to swallow.  Opening with a distressing slow-motion prologue over Händel - it is almost beautiful to watch the young child fall to his death - an uncomfortable and not uncommon seat in which all viewers are sitting.  

The discomfort never settles.  We're then taken along with the couple to the stories final resting plot - the evergreen forest and dark and dismal cabin.  A constant bombardment of ghastly imagery and the haunting rumbles of natures are unavoidable.  As to is the ever unbinding of secrets one of our charcters is withholding.

In the final acts are shocking and gruesome.  All will be revealed yet nothing will be explained.  We're left to digest this encroachment on our own - a challenging yet hopefully rewarding exercise.  Dafoe and  Gainsbourg are nothing short of incredible, as like is the spectacular photography and powerful editing.  Antichrist is a film you must simply see.

10/10

Teeth [2007]

Teeth is an overhyped, overrated, and if brilliant, over my head. I get the sexual coming-of-age transformation. I get the Eve, Eden & the forbidden fruit metaphor. I get the anti-sexual violence towards women statement. But with a one magic trick method of getting there, Teeth bit off more than it could chew.

Dawn is a bible-thumping virgin who's only interests have been abstinance, loving Jesus and ignoring her va-jay-jay. Good thing, cuz her love den's got cuspids, her poontang has tooth-fangs, her muff's got tusks, errr...sorry. Fast forward an hour, and her holy roller friend tries to rape her...and he ends up losing his head.

Teeth, as with blowjobs, just doesn't do it for me. Filled with uninteresting characters, unexplained motives, and a few early anti-climactic bloody crotches...by the end of them film there's really nothing to look forward to.

The actors are all very good, but to me, just not the right actors. The production is too polished to pass this off as a low-budget b-movie. And by the end of the flick...I'm still waiting for the vagina dentata snapper shot!

Dribs and drabs...a bloody cock end gets slopped from the cunny, a dog eats it, incest is always best, crabs are never good, and Christians should never be trusted.

6/10

Feast [2005]

Ever have a dvd just sitting on your shelf, unpackaged, but otherwise completely brand new?  That was Feast for me.  I had heard it was fantastic, a high energy action packed sci-fi comedy horror that spun off from Project Greenlight's third season.  But that didn't stop me from ignoring it.  What I found out today was that I need to stop sleepin' on these passed overs...Feast is killer.

We open in a hillbilly hubbed tavern in a remote part of the desert.  We meet our soon to be victims with screen shot info of each like some sort of video game.  Right after we'e met everyone, our "hero" storms through the front door with a shot gun and severed alien head, "Unless you people want to die you'll do what I say and you'll do it fast!".

From then on Feast doesn't let up.  The pace is fierce, the kills are nasty, the blood flows and the scares are endless.  There's no backstory, no explanation, no cgi, and no fuckin' around.  Think Evil Dead suspense and gore, with Starship Troopers characters, set in The Mist.  When all is said and done, you'll wonder how the hour and a half flew by so fast and when's the fuckin' sequel out...but good news - there's 2 already out.

Dribs and drabs...there's doggie style alien sex, green slime barf, baby alien spunk in a chick's mouth, a double-fisted crainium crush, maggot eyes, utter hilarity and Henry Rollins in pink sweatpants.  Fuckin' priceless.

8/10

The Lost [2006]

After recently revisiting two newer Ketchum adaptations - The Girl Next Door (2007) and Red (2008) - I thought I should venture back to the one that started it all - 2006's The Lost. The Lost, not unlike The Girl Next Door, is loosely based on a true story, this one being the case of  Charles Schmid.

Ray Pye is a control driven short tempered drug dealing greaser who "put crushed beer cans into his boots to make himself look taller".  Obediently followed by his two best friends Tim and Jennifer, Ray murders two young women in the woods after self-concluding the two were "lesbos" and didn't deserve to live.  

Fast forward 4 years, the case remains unsolved, and Ray has grown further into a life of control, drugs, and an ever culminating rage just waiting to explode.

Jack Ketchum adaptations are all quite similarly structured.  A slow lead up, an emotionally driven story, familiar world's unravel, and an inevitable point of no return climax of violence and depravity.  Marc Senter is hypnotic to watch and chilling to absorb...a brilliant performance not unlike the efforts of Blythe Auffarth and Brian Cox of The Girl Next Door and Red respectively.  Unrelenting, vicious, sexy, and offensive.

Other dribs and drabs...everyone's favourite softcore turned horror actress Misty Mundae appears butt naked no more than a minute in, a pregnant woman gets the Inside scoop on at-home baby delivery, the soundtrack ranging from 1960's British pop to 90's death metal is fun and terrifying if not masterfully employed, and "what the fuck is she still alive for?!?!  I just shot her!".

9/10

An Ear To The Blood Soaked Ground - Hypertrophy Genital Girls [2009]

From deranged director Noboru Iguchi (Machine Girl) comes a twisted tale of a young girl who suddenly starts growing a humongous dong.   Need I go further into plot summary...I think not.  Starring gorgeous big-eyed adult film star Tsubomi.  Can't help but think of the recent Teeth (2007), Bad Biology (2008), Kondom des Grauens (1996) aka Killer Condom and Kiseichuu: kiraa pusshii (2004) aka Killer Pussy.

And in case you don't notice...the entire "NSFW" is used up to hide the giant man pride.

Click For Trailer

Surveillance [2008]

Although you won't find me mooing "nepotism!" like the pretentious and ego-maniacal beef reviewers out there, but the distaste in my summation of Surveillance will be quite alike. Daughter Lynch and Surveillance has had a lot of buzz...but for me, too big a hangover to repeat the taste test.  Think Kalifornia, meets Saw, with a surprise visit from Super Troopers. 

Here we go...two FBI agents arrive at a remote police station, after a brutal car accident and multiple homicides, to help investigate and interrogate three survivors including one police officer. The officer is questioned by the police chief (Michael Ironside), a 20-something drug addict gets the two remaining on-duty officers, and a young child is consoled and questioned by the female agent (Julia Ormond), all while the male agent (Bill Pullman) looks on over three video monitors.

Surveillance steps onto the right foot right off the bat...a brutal slice and dice goriffic double murder attempt in a bedroom...we're then rudely interrupted as Surveillance comes down with a bad case of the "bloodied and injured woman escapee running and screaming down a road" syndrome. **And I thought only the drug addict had the sniffles.**

From then on Jennifer Lynch force feeds us an awkward, yet workable structured angle to the horrific events...each victims tells a self-serving account, while the audience receives the actual events...most of it's boring, idiotic, and unreal. Once we're all up to speed, the twist is airplaned into our tight lipped mouths and shoved down our throat...but if you didn't fall asleep you already knew what the secret shitty ingredient was.

Other dribs and drabs...Julia Ormond is still ever-sexy, Bill Pullman has the trademark Pullmanian squinty mcgrin performance dialed up to "dangerously high", French Stewart of 3rd Rock fame and co-writer Kent Harper are ridiculous and idiotic, Ryan Simpkins gets the 2008 Dakota Fanning Award, and David Lynch can chalk this up as pro-bono work.

5/10

Spiral [2007]

Spiral's a nifty lil' psychological thriller about a fucked up telemarketer who entices beautiful young women to pose for him in his bare minimalist artist's studio/apartment, with each posed portrait culminating further into unhealthy fascination, frightful obsession, and ultimately untimely engrossment.

Adam Green, director of the acclaimed 2006 flick Hatchet, takes a 180º by joining forces with first time lead actor/writer/director/producer and undeniable jack of all trades Joel Moore - but in this case, quite evidently, a master of all - with a pg-13 rating, violence, gore and nudity free what-the-fuck film.  But good on them... cuz Spiral is quite superb.

With a nasty snowballed pace, cramped and dim styled photography, wicked script and brilliant lead acting from the man behind the madness, Spiral delivers the oft-attempted perfect psycho thriller...topped with a somewhat "coulda called it" twist ending, that will sure to please if egos allow.

8/10