An Ear To The Blood Soaked Ground - 100 Tears [2007]

Gotta fuckin' LOVE killer clowns...and this one looks like the biggest gore-luvin' of them all...

...it's limited screenings have been quiet and unrippling in the film world...1 DVD release in Germany so far, it's US release should be out by the end of the year...until then, enjoy the tasty trailer!

An Ear To The Blood Soaked Ground - Black Dynamite [2008]

Perhaps what Grindhouse should have been...Black Dynamite looks to rule so much 70's throwback exploitation ass...ya dig?

I'm guessing gratuitous nudity, senseless violence, fabricated vengeance plot and total balls out man fun (errr without any homophobic connotations). One can't help seeing the resemblance to the ultra-ass-kicking-Chilean-martials-arts-exposee Mirage Man [2007], another definate must-see. World premier at the Sundance Film Festival in January 2009.

Shrooms [2006]

"Don't do drugs...holy fuck, that cop that visited our school was right!!!"

Synopsis: Five Americans meet an Irish lad (who's NOT her boyfriend) for a planned trip into the Celtic backwoods for a weekend of drugs and good times. Unfortunately, they camp too close to an abandoned all-boys school ran by sadistic priests that hold a tragic history of abuse and murder.

Review: Yet again, more kids go camping in the woods, but this time, they take even more stereotypes and pack enough cliches to last an entire weekend - how can anyone screw that up?!?! With a muscled jock sportin' less mass than Mary-Kate on a crack binge, a stoner pulled from the Jay (& Silent Bob) knockoff assembly line (now with 50% more hippyage!), more j-horror-typical ghosty-shots than a Ju-On/Ringu marathon, and sans du nakit prancin' yankee cooch with chest-eggs exposed. How distasteful. If it wasn't for the absolutely beautiful Irish shot locations or the equally elegant Maya Hazen and Alice Greczyn, Shrooms would be completely pointless, unless you've taken said title. Not so recommended.

4/10

Wilderness [2006]

"Predator meets Lord of the Flies..."

Synopsis: A group of young criminals are sent to a deserted island (or so they think...oooo) to rough it out as punishment for driving a fellow offender to commit suicide. It doesn't take long before the group begins to be hunted down by a mysterious figure and it's pack of killer dogs.

Review: This all-to-often-seen "troubled teens in the woods" surprisingly escapes the mould and turns an entertaining, dark and visceral gory slasher survival, shot over a well-utilized and captivating landscape. The slowly developed storyline will lose some viewers, but once the first drop of blood is spilt, more bleedings will follow...quickly and repeatedly. All deaths aside, the level of realism is what's most important here - a coin-flip of contentment so to speak. There really isn't a likeable or cheerable character - which is more realistic but less interesting. All in all, a decent UK horror/thriller.

7/10

The Midnight Meat Train [2008]

"A gory fuckin' mess...and a bloody good time..."

Synopsis: Leon is an urban city photographer who stumbles upon the trail of a serial killer in the depths of the subway system. When local law enforcement shrug aside his findings, the mystery consumes him and leads him to face the killer head-on.

Review: I'm just effin' happy I finally got to see Clive Barker's Midnight Meat Train - after plans of a wide-spread release turned to direct-to-video turned to limited release turned to a complete fuckin' mystery - and now I'm pretty stoked to say it didn't disappoint. Ya, there is too much CGI, the ending (although true the short story) is a priceless WTF moment, Quinton "Rampage" Jackson makes a "citizen's arrest" cameo and Brooke Shields still isn't hot...but I couldn't help but dig it. The blood glubs and the gore pours...faces get smashed and then smashed again...Leslie Bibb is smokin' hot...devoid of any brain-dead WB teens...and Bradley Cooper isn't as annoying as I remembered. And do I even need to mention a crazy decap shot where the camera rolls with the head, sees it's own twitching and blood-spurting torso, then reflecting back to the still blinking eye on the head...awesome! The photography is incredible...the cold and chilling blues and greys of the subway scenes and the stale reds and burnt oranges of the "happy" scenes succesfully created the desired tone and mood. Sure it aint no Hellraiser, but this one should satisfy any Clive Barker fan.

8/10

Treevenge [2008] **Short**

"Yeah, Jonathan Torrens from "Trailer Park Boys" and "Jonavision" muthafuckas!!!"

Synopsis: After enduring decades of being sawed, dragged out of their homes, screwed by a stand and embarrassingly decorated - it's finally the time of Christmas tree retribution - Treevenge!

Review: An absolutely incredible short, written and directed by Jason Eisener, the creator of the SXSW Grindhouse contest winning short - Hobo With A Shotgun. I doubt a short has ever been as gory (not even Aftermath) or as hilarious - and I have yet to see one as entertaining. With it's Ewok-style Christmas tree dialogue, kickass 70's-esque score and no limits to the gory depravity, Treevenge is an anomaly in a sea of boring metaphoric shorts. I don't know if we'll ever see on a DVD but it would be a travesty if it wasn't. I can only hope we'll see this breath-of-fresh-air filmmaker get big-budget backing to create a feature length horror.

10/10

Eden Lake [2008]

"I'm gonna get me some revenge (if it's the last thing I do)..."

Synopsis: A young couple vacationing for the weekend at a flooded quarry run into a wiggity wiggigty wacked out group of teen thugs front-en' like you woodaint belief... hollaaaaah! The playa hata boyfriend accidently 187's the whigga crews crunked out rottie and all hell breaks loose.

Review: Eden Lake is quite good...until the final scenes which will either make it brilliant or shass (the seldomly used power combo of shit 'n ass). Our protagonists are innocent, interesting and compelling; our teen-age antogonists aptly opposing - cruel, offensive and fearless. It's solidly produced, directed and acted; and that's where the applause stops. A young couple in trouble (boooo) in the woods (come on) who get tortured (gimme a break) then seek revenge (oh fuck off!). Followed by a predictable, doubtful and uninspiring "twist ending". But like I said - some will really eat this shit up.

6/10

COMING SOON!!

I've been watching a ridiculous amount of movies recently so I apologize for not being to update the page...but stay tuned for the following choice reviews:

Mutant Chronicles

Red

I Sell The Dead

Jack Brooks:  Monster Slayer

Treevenge

Trailer Park of Terror

Midnight Meat Train

Netherbeast Incorporated