Pathology [2008]

"I want my Milano back, and somebody owes me a pathology"

Synopsis: Young forensics genius Dr. Ted Grey begins a residency at a university pathology lab where a group of fellow classmates, led by Dr. Jake Gallo, take turns randomly killing innocent victims and solving their scientifically mysterious murders as a form of entertainment and game.

Review: This absurd implausable story will either attract or distract; and it has me caught in the indecisive world of purgatory. The quick and tight editing gave the pace a steady and straightlined flow but became an issue when establishing each characters motive, consideration and provocation. The cast was strong, even the fart-smelling skill of lead Milo Ventimiglia (Dr. Ted Grey) was only partly annoying. Top nods go to the surprisingly brilliant Michael Weston, as Dr. Jake Gallo, and Keir O'Donnell, as Dr. Ben Stravinsky. Gore hounds will be gratified with the elegant visuals and red soaked autopsy tables, almost Aftermath-esque. All that said, it was a few rungs short of it's online buzz, so don't run out and pull a muscle ripping this off the store shelves, there's a lot more to be seen before you throw this in the DVD player.

6/10

Zombie Strippers! [2008]

"Fake Tits, Throat Slits & A Dose of Wit"

Synopsis: George W., now serving his fourth term of U.S. presidency, has spread his military arms too thin (into the entire middle-east, Canada and Iceland). After recognizing their need for more soldiers, U.S. scientists create a virus to reanimate the bodies of dead soldiers, allowing them to be put back into action as "super soldiers". All goes to hell in the research labs, a bitten soldier flees the premises and takes refuge in a nearby strip club where he infects the entertainment. Then...it's boobie time!

Review: Zombie Strippers! should not be taken seriously...and for that, it fails and succeeds. Horrorphiles who seek subtext, underlying meaning, metaphors and satirical commentary need to adhere to these simple yet effective procautionary instructions...make yourselves be seen, back away slowly, and don't make any direct eye contact. If you can do that, you'll be alright to go about your business and you may briskly walk back to your Argento collection. This is a b-movie...errr...z-movie. It's sturdy foundation is built on delivering fun and amusement. The jokes are obvious and retardedly infecting, the tits and ass are bountiful and abundant, the gore is outrageous and hilarious, and each of the components was only outdone by the intelligent dialogue and script. And by intelligent I don't mean "intellectual" or "deeply conjured", it was just written perfectly for it's goal; a solid turn-your-brain-off tit and shit show. Unfortunately these charateristics are it's downfall. Zombie Strippers! does not break any new ground or even attempt to, and it's the attempt that is what film, especially horror, is all about.

7/10

Insanitarium [2008]

Synopsis: A loving brother insanely razorblades his pecs, hits the street, and insanely mumbles and screams at people until he's institutionalized to an insane asylum, ran by an insane Dr. who experiments on his insane patients until they become even more insane, all in an effort to save his committed insane sister.

Review: Insanitarium is, at its core, Prison Break with zombies. So if you like Prison Break and zombie movies, then pop Season 1 or Dawn of the Dead into the DVD player and forget this dung pile ever caught your attention. But if it's more you want, then I shall be so inclined. Subbing for Wentworth Miller is Jesse Metcalfe as Jack, the not as smart, but strangely as eager, loving brother trying to break his sibling out of an institution. We don't know much about his history or motives, probably because they were never thought up. Peter Stormore is back as the bad guy, but this time he's crazy for no apparent reason, if not for convenience sake. Upsides to this mess are Paul Giamatti **cough cough** I mean Kevin Sussman as the paranoid sidekick, the hiring and not overusing a slew full of hootch and culo, and a machete though the skull and out the mouth.

3/10

All The Boys Love Mandy Lane [2006]

Synopsis: Mandy Lane, the recently turned drop dead gorgeous bookworm, is coerced into a weekend ranch get-a-way; where a deranged admirer of Mandy's tight legged and panty locked lower half spoils all the innocent fun.

Review: All The Boys... is a solid modern slasher that earns it's inclusion to the classic genre. The comedic element is thankfully only moderately used, which keeps the viewers attention on suspense build-up and character development. The w-teen cast seemed seasoned and experienced, which was a breath of fresh air considering the recent hiring strategy of "you're hot, you're hired". This one will keep you interested and entertained right up until it's acceptably decent twist ending.

6/10

Broken [2006, Boyes/Mason]

Synopsis: Hope, a single mother, is abducted from a restful sleep at home, and wakes up in a cold, damp nightmare of tortuous tests, humiliation, slavery and the mystery of her daughter's safety and whereabouts.

Review: A rare film that has actually benefitted from being highly cut and edited (the proud decision made by the filmmakers themselves). Do not expect another "torture porn" Hostel knockoff, which has been mentioned and compared to in more than one online review. Broken offers an excellent story, a relatable, passionate and convincing *albeit annoying at times* performance by lead Nadya Brand, superb direction, and set props/cinematography so stunning that they almost appear as characters themselves. It's only flaw is it's uniqueness, independance, and the obvious fingerprints left from two young and up and coming director/writers.

7/10

Gag [2006]

Synopsis: Two hapless robbers find themselves far from safe as they broke into a home of a deranged killer.

Review: A typical low budget capture and torture flick aimed to nurse from the supple teet of the Saw and Hostel cash cows. Our anti-heros are unfortunately hardly admirable leaving the viewer confused on who to cheer for. We know one of the crooks "needs the cash" but we never find out why. Are we to expect it is for something genuinely valiant? The script fails to let us in on the big secret. Shot largely in a dark and grimy basement, first-time director Scott W. Mckinlay fails to draw the viewer into any sort of terror or fear. The torture is unintentionally humorous to the desensitized and the few hide & stalk scenes were poorly done....panic, uneasiness and horror are completely absent as the story can not draw the audience in.

4/10

Timber Falls [2007]

Synopsis: Two young unmarried hitchhikers are terrorized, kidnapped, tortured, and experimented on by a family of jesus-loving, bible-thumping, god-fearing redneck hillbillies. Ya, that's right...no one has EVER done something this original in DECADES.

Review: A dramatic kill in the opening minutes, the unexciting twist ending, the trademark torture scenes, the lost in the woods only to found by a crazy jebus-praising family plot. This cinematic mess is just one big long circumcized clichée with a only a handful of pat-on-the-back redeemable qualities. The acting is decent, if not good. The cinematography was wonderfully shot, however, I'm pretty sure it's purely incidental as it's location could hardly present itself as anything but scenic and beautiful. I did like the pregnancy aspect of the story. The dialogue is quite realistic and far from tedious. All that being said, don't waste any time seeking out or watching this trivial salad of ass and feces (and please don't mistake "ass" as any indication of gratutious nudity content, you won't find that here).

4/10