FEARFINDER

Apology & Jess Franco's Brilliance

2010-02-24T08:38:00.005-05:00

First off, I'm sorry for my most recent bout of absentitis. This time around I've had an unhealthy addiction to the Olympics, compounded by the misfortune of yet another RRSP season, and the snowballing demands of a pregnant wife. Oh the trials and tribulations of growing up! I promise I'll get to finishing the ever intriguing filmology of Eric Stanze and then start bangin' out posts again.

All that aside, I HAD to post this email I received this morning...why would I not join in on the naked and gory fun of a Franco film?!?!?!

I Spit On Your Corpse, I Piss On Your Grave [2001] - Eric Stanze Week

2010-02-06T19:17:00.003-05:00

If the title doesn't divide the horror masses - Spit n' Piss's content surely will. Eric Stanze's follow up to the ultra-controversial indie masterpiece-of-shit Scrapbook (and that's a compliment I swear!) is either the maturation and evolution of a once young and up-and-coming filmmaker - or a promise kept to Emily Haack after being mounted and pissed on for an hour and a half. Either way, I bought my ticket - now let the road to degradation begin!

Some four-eyed Betty's car breaks down; and while mulling over her inconvenience a guy in a red bandana appears (never good). The obviously really bad ass dude chases her down and kills her (like I said, never good). During the investigation really bad dude's gonna-be-bad-sooner-or-later younger brother tries to help cover up the crime but winds up in prison himself.

The now really bad younger brother summons all the badness of his brother's badass red bandana and breaks out of jail with a little revenge on his probably once mulleted mind. He kidnaps his former girlfriend (Haack) along with 3 others who wronged him at the trailer trial. And just when you think you know where you're heading - wammo! Haack turns the tables on him in a surprising plot twist not even a monologue insinuating it was going to happen would lead us to believe! But let's say you got lucky and saw a red herring amidst a red herring parade coming...Stanze then blindsides us again by conveniently adding past violations of the 3 captured unto Ms. Haack...and payback's a mutha-fuckin' broomstick!

Stanze formulas Spit n' Piss with similar foundations as Scrapbook. He utilizes the same successful nuances as his previous effort (exploitative gore, sporadic death metal, irritating synth, a grimy setting) but also tries to correct it's flaws and underachievements with minor tweaks and slight variations (turning the victim to victimizer, adding a deeper story, polishing production, hiring better actors, and going just a tad further in schlock). But you can't make the same delicious dish with different ingredients and serve it to the same guest with hope of getting the same results. As the saying goes, you can never get a second chance at a first impression - so Spit n' Piss just comes off as an overthought and lame sequel.

(No...please...don't put it...no, c'mon...PLEASE...ahhhhhh, uuyuck)

But for horror fans seeking the most depraved and sickest shit this side of 2 girls 1 cup - Spit n' Piss is definitely worth a go around - maybe just for the final rape/revenge scene alone.

5/10

Finder's Keepers

2010-02-06T15:00:00.004-05:00

Some new "must haves" for the collection.

Eden Log (2007), a Cube-esque sci-fi masterpiece.

Thirst (2009), a somewhat disappointing experience for this Park Chan Wook fan - but none the less, still a great film.

If you're in the mood for blood and drugs, booze and boobs - look no further than Donkey Punch (2008). Caught this at it's Canadian premiere at the 2008 Toronto After Dark Film Festival.

An under the radar, far from the norm horror from my Northern homeland.

A ridiculously fun documentary on the often forgotten exploitation films from down under. I guarantee that this film will have you jottin' down titles left, right and center.

Probably the coolest DVD promo item I've ever seen - huge kudos to my favourite DVD label Dark Sky Films. I can't tell you just how thrilled I was to get my hands on it from up here in Canada.

Tonite - look out for my continuation along the filmography of Eric Stanze with I Spit On Your Corpse, I Piss On Your Grave (2001).

Scrapbook [2000] - Eric Stanze Week

2010-01-30T17:34:00.000-05:00

Scrapbook is a wretched wrath of repugnancy - a rape of reservations. If I wasn't already severely scarred from a lifetime of distasteful DVD dung, I surely am now.

Leonard is your regular everyday guy - molested and beaten as a child - only finding gratification from taking a life as a teen. Now as an adult, he has perfected his post-pubescent pursuit of pillaging and polishing off poon. The catch in this one? He's more scrapbook hooked than your Aunt Ruth or arts and crafts nooks. With only a few pages of documentation left, he has his eyes on a 15mins of fame prize and just one last victim in his sights (Clara).

If Scrapbook isn't the grandaddy of "torture porn", then it's got to be pretty damn fuckin' close - having beat August Underground by a year and Hostel by a half decade. Although not as depraved as August... or as well roundedly produced as Hostel, Scrapbook out-engages the former and out-bitch-slaps the latter. All thanks to it's indie nature - a nature that is truly it's handicap and it's upper-hand.

In typical indie fashion, Stanze works with a basic budget of bubkis. The outcome...sparse gore (for a torture film), amateurish and atrocious dialogue at best, cheap audio effects, and minimal style filmmaking. But all that forces Stanze to get creative - focusing on fear-setting physical acting, location soiling, basic yet spine-chilling synth score, and a brilliant yet anti-climactic conclusion.

What's in store for ya? There's urination humiliation, point-of-view pedophiliac fellatio, death via polaroid camera, toe chopping, tit slapping, pornographic photograph wallpaper, a booze bottle turned bloody dildo, and a 5 mins chase across a farm with a left tit hangin' and floppin' out of a wife beater...priceless. Scrapbook, without a doubt, is one of the most gut-churning films I've ever had to cower through.

7/10

Lookin' A-head: Like Medieval Execution Crowds

2010-01-28T16:07:00.002-05:00

Soon to be blogged about shizzle:

Just got my screener copy of the underground sensation Evil Things (2009) from director Dominic Perez...so I'll be hitting this demon in the rough right after...

Eric Stanze week. I'm currently bewildered and scared shitless trekking through the filmography of this insane fucker! Those upcoming reviews include:

Deadwood Park (2007)
China White Serpentine (2003)
I Spit on Your Corpse, I Piss on Your Grave (2001)
Scrapbook (2000)
Ice from the Sun (1999)

Last and possibly least is the much celebrated Canuckian Pontypool (2009).

Stay tuned!

Paranormal Entity [2009]

2010-01-15T20:59:00.001-05:00

Now before any virgin sniffin' nerd can pube up enough sack to belt out a comment like "Dude, don't you mean Paranormal Activity" - I'd like slide the pin back in that grenade - NO! I leave the box-office hoggers to the pop-author bloggers - FearFinder aims to deliver the goods on shit you aint seen yet.

If Captain Obvious hasn't let you aboard the boat yet, Paranormal Entity is as blatant a ripoff as you can get. But don't write off the trip just yet. This copycat of the mockbusters of the film world actually aint that fuckin' bad (as it sounds). Let me begin.

The actor formerly known as employed.

Samantha, an oatmeal lovin' hottie you'd just as happily fuck as punch, has got a bad case of the ghosties. And no help to her are her should be on Intervention mom and unemployed yet 4-handycam ownin' brother. Not to mention Dad's in an urn in the basement and might've touched her growin' up. Anyway, Dad's back to do some raping and dog gone it, no video camera is gonna stop him.

Ya, it's thievery...but it wasn't MY fault.

Not exactly telling of it's ripoff-ness I know - but believe me. If it isn't the spooky attic venture, mysterious footprints, moving furniture, closing and opening doors, poster art, sheets pulled off, day and time updates...it's the false hope and no backstory.

But Entity has at least some redeeming qualities to it's (porn-like stolen) name. Activity's victim, Cankles McGee, is replaced by a hotter (ie a more interesting) Jennifer Carpenter knockoff (gotta stay consistent The Asylum might say!)

AND

, she's given less annoyancees and even less clothes,

a better ending that may actually be director approved!, sleepwalking into attics is way cooler than backyards, and what's scarier than a killing ghost...than a raping, then killing ghost...even if the ghost as haunted you before...and even if they couldn't hire a proofreader.

6/10

New Photos For Jess Franco's Paula-Paula

2010-01-13T08:46:00.005-05:00

It's not everyday a film sends you a friend request on facebook, what the hell? *accepts*.

So much to my delight Mr. "Paula Paula Jess Franco" had a photo album uploaded and waiting for me...here's what I saw...

New Jess Franco Movie Up For Pre-Sale!

2010-01-11T12:31:00.006-05:00

As quoted from the website handling the orders for Jess Franco's new movie: Paula-Paula

“Paula-Paula; an audiovisual experience” is the new Jess Franco's feature film. Inspired by Stevenson's Dr.Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, it's an homage to the master musician Friedrich Gulda.
One of the most strange films by Jess Franco, "Paula-Paula" is, in his own words, a different look to the erotic and mystery cinema. He himself calified the film as an audiovisual experience.

“Paula-Paula” is a sexy show performed by two dancers at the Flamingo's Club in Antofagasta. Alma Pereira (Lina Romay) investigates a crime at the club involving Paula (Carmen Montes) and Paula (Paula Davis). Who can resolve this passional crime?

Pre-order now the limited and numbered edition dvd!

Just 500 copies!

What is included?
- Numbered DVD edition with special artwork.
- DVD: The feature movie, Jess Franco's presentation of the film, Jess Franco talks about "Paula-Paula" and today's cinema

Contact: info@paula-paula.com

*Due to distribution rights, the dvd is not available for Spain.
**Free shipping worldwide if you order the DVD before January 16th.
NOTE: Mature audience only. (Nudity scenes)

Buyer beware though. I can't confirm the authenticity of this source (although they have a video of Mr. Franco discussing this new release), but take comfort in the fact that if you get screwed, so will I! As I was quick to pre-order my copy.

The Psychiatric (a)Wards

2010-01-10T19:01:00.003-05:00

Hey ya'll! No, I'm not dead...much to the dismay of my heavily beneficiaried wife. I've just been locked in the man dungeon achieving my dream of a basement home theatre sanctuary. Luckily all the blood, sweat and tears haven't been discounted...compensation of bj's, neck rubs and an open budget on power tools have been well worth my efforts.

With Christmas and New Year's now aside - the framing is all done and we're off and running on the eletrical. One day...hopefully soon...it shall be the shrine to everything celluloid (or inevitably...a toy room). Now onto the high fives!

(Somehow), I was recently bestowed with a humbling blog award!

And as the rules go, I'm expected to:

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting.
5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated

First off, and couple of those rules I just can't do...mostly...cuz I'm a bad ass...ok here we go...

A huge thanks to Carl at I Like Horror Movies! And not because it's rule #1, it's mostly because Carl's a kick ass guy, my most avid commentor, and has my most mirrored (dis)taste in horror. Cheers bro!

Seven things that people might find interesting? I drink like it's my first time, fuck like it's my last time, will finish in no time, is consistantly on time, cheer for the Habs big time, will meet some of you in due time and can kill time anytime.

Seven kick ass blogs:
I Like Horror Movies - A genuine guy with a true and honest love for horror.
Basement of Ghoulish Decadence - A technical whiz and an undeniably esteemed writer.
The Horror Club - I'm am so fuckin' jealous of the level of organization and amount of free time these dudes have.
Wopsploitation - Probably the funniest blogger I've ever read. Get someone to post bail and come back Wop!
The Scandy Factory - Don't know them...but I love them.
Requiem For Jean Rollin - Cuz Rollin's a god...and so is anyone who loves em as much as I do.
The Horror Section - Always a good read.

In My Skin [2002]

2009-12-17T17:42:00.002-05:00

In My Skin, or more natively Dans Ma Peau, is a brilliantly detestable French film I discovered ensuing an exploration heralded by the recent horror wave from France, captained by the likes of Inside, Martyrs and High Tension. Not unlike numerous other shock horrors "with a catch", In My Skin tackles the "much-ta-booed-about-nothing" that is self-mutilation. Sidenote - I've been picking scabs and harming myself via fucked up horrors since I was a kid so fuuuuuck YOU society!

Let me set this one up fer ya. We're introduced to Vincent and Esther - a lovely living lonely couple destined for big things in their respected careers - who enjoy socializing, smoking and not-shaving their goods.

While out partying, Esther - an anorexicly cloned PJ Harvey, with a Christina Ricci'd forehead, sporting a Béatrice Dalle gap-toothed-ian smile, and sorta disgusting in a Winehouse kinda way - ventures outside for some fresh air and falls amongst the darkness and the usual backyard hazardous construction. Unbeknownst to her she injures herself quite unfavourably - inevitably and surprisingly leading Esther into the wonderful world of sharp objects and bandaid de-stocking.

In My Skin is arguably as disturbing as Pasolini's Salo, as subjectively real as Kerrigan's Clean, Shaven, and as profoundly disturbing as Gummo, Aftermath and I Stand Alone. Marina de Van's directorial debut helms the chair with master-like precision; documenting the downward spiral of Esther's disorder - the disconnection with society and estrangement of the norm - without the shock value squeeze or exploitative gimmicks. De Van is also equally capable in the lead actor role; a performance that dominates every scene and fuels every cringe.

Unfortunately the thrill ride is cut short as De Van either runs out of ideas or never envisioned a destination as the film just abruptly ends. Maybe, and quite possibly, she just wanted to leave us hanging like one of her chewed flaps of skin... well isn't that just artsy of her.

8/10

AWOL A-Hole

2009-12-17T14:00:00.003-05:00

To all my treasured turnouts of typical tasteless touters of my tediously trivial texts - I apologize for my token truancy. If not hard at work or energetically impregnating my whiffey I have been amongst the darkness of my man-basement - turning the concrete cave into a home theatre room - where my beloved DVD collection will finally get the home it deserves. The framing is done, onto the electrical next!

More immediately - I'm looking to finish up my review of Dans Ma Peau aka In My Skin tonite - with hopefully more piss poor reviews to follow not too far behind - most likely when I run out of money, building supplies, or fingers.

~FearFinder~

Thirst [2009]

2009-11-22T16:27:00.026-05:00

After being completely mesmerized by South Korea's Vengeance Triology, Park Chan-Wook wasted no time catapulting his way a top my list of favourite foreign directors. So it was to no surprise that when I heard rumblings of Chan-Wook taking on the mythos of vampires in his next feature, my excitement soared...so much in fact, that I'm pretty certain...it, moved. Somewhere, George Costanza can relate.

Father Darkman

In true Chan-Wook fashion, nothing is ordinary or normal. Sang-hyeon is a loyal servant of the church and flaccid penis. After the lifelong devotion becomes unfulfilling and un-fu-fucking he selflessly volunteers himself to an experimental medical project to help find a cure for a deadly disease elbola-ing through innocent lives. He dies, gets a (vampire) blood transfusion, and miraculously recovers.

Add a scrumptious hottie, Mahjong, armpit licking, barefoot sprinting, bloody vomit fluting, feats of strength, popped cherries, religious sins and nightly feedings from a local hospital's coma department and you have one of the most fucked up and intensely interesting Asian horrors since Takashi Miike's Visitor Q. But even with all that, I must hold the prays back a bit.

Spanning over 2hrs and 15mins it's a real mental workout. The extremely dark tone and depressing nature of the story, running that long, are like gift bags of razor blades at suicide wards. This, ultimately, won't sit well for fear finders just looking for some quick blood and gratuitous nudity. Thirst is definitely not for the weak of patience or lack of sleeped.

Chan-Wook attempts to liven up the undertaking with some comic relief [since he can't physically come through your 1080p and poke you ("hey, you still awake?")]. Unfortunately, the frequent interruptions of dark humor seem to do more harm than good despite their comical genius. These bumps in the road are more like lengthy detours, scenic or not. And they left me...not bored...but really fuckin' tired to say the least.

Not to mention, the almost equally as heavy drag on the story was the entire angle of lingering religious sentiments; which held back back our protagonist`s eventual and incredibly obvious fate even more so. I found it unnecessary and somewhat degrading - priest oò no priest...just tell us he doesnt want to kill someone for food or otherwise and you could`ve saved us a half hour.

Those points aside, Thirst is inventive, twisted, and another solid and recent installment to the vampire genre...bloodsuckers should rejoice. Soundly produced, skillfully shot, and masterfully written...comparatively, not unlike Let The Right One In. Trimmed down, it would`ve had a stranglehold on 9 or 10, but as it stands...

7/10

ps - the North American DVD release...not a god damn extra to be found...not even a trailer...fuckin bastards!

Acolytes [2008]

2009-11-17T17:31:00.006-05:00

**(Yet another) beautiful young woman is running and screaming...and bloody...away from something terrible, we assume...because she's bloody and screaming...and running...but we can't really say for sure - but this time...it's in the fuckin' woods - so suck it**

Luckily, the cliches, (sorta) end there. While bored, and wandering around, smoking the reefer, three teens stumble upon a suspicious character in the woods with a shovel. For some strange reason they assuuuuuume that he must be up to some sort of no good (I see all sorts of people in the woods with a shovels and Iiiiiii can casually be on my merry way, sheesh).

Vince Shlomi, where's my ShamWow!?!?!

Well...this time, they were right. Cuz they dug up the recently disturbed soil and find a dead body. After mulling it over awhile they decide to track down the killer and blackmail him into killing a Romper Stomper who previously flashback raped two of the boys. Cool! (Hey, I'm just happy the kids didn't start fuckin' the dead girl.) When things don't go as planned, shit hits the fan, mysteries are revealed, and arrows and knives can't stop anyone.

Acolytes is a complex thriller and one helluva an attempt from Australian, Jon Hewitt, who took a terrible slasher genre conclusion and threw in some heavy thriller story to get there - a la the hip hip modern noir Brick. Some slick photography and beautiful Queensland gave Acolytes a credible production look and a good dose of weighty suspense and the sexyiness of Hanna Mangan Lawrence - whom I'd like to introduce "ass, the new vagina" motto to - captured and retained my attention throughout.

But while Acolytes isn't quite the regular everyday run-of-the-mill teen slasher...it is, however, a run-of-a-mill-ion or so undercharacterized trashcan twists that are rushed, hardly plausible, and force fed.

6/10

ps - check out the poster for Jon Hewitt's next feature - simply titled "X"...deeeeeeeeelicious!

Baby Blues [2008]

2009-11-10T20:25:00.009-05:00

"The following is based on actual events."

An opening line all too often used, attempting to send chills down ones spine and set a mood as a tale begins, leading mostly to "who gives a fuck" 's and "ya fuckin' right" 's equally as often. But half way through Baby Blues I thought back, remembered, and cringed at the possibility that what I've just seen...had actually happened. <= mild spoilers

Deep in the south, smack dab in the bible belt, lives a family on an isolated farm. As Pa is on the road living the life of a long haul trucker, his wife, is left alone to cope with 4 young ever fighting, arguing or crying children, a household filled with endless chores, and a marriage with signs of betrayal. When an evil entity invades the home, and threatens the life of it's inhabitants, it is up to the eldest son to save his family and himself from a tragic demise.

If you have looked further into Baby Blues you will've undoubtedly run smack dab into the shocking major spoiler, running rampant in almost every review I've read. And that's unfortunate because Baby Blues views best knowing the least amount of info possible. So, it is for that reason that I will keep this review as vague as possible.

Baby Blues is dark...like really fuckin' dark...and it packs the most viscious and visceral punch since Inside, and the beat-down doesn't let up, uncaring if you're still trying to catch your breath or not. And I say that even after a couple of the cruelest and most disturbing scenes are left sight unseen. So after I've explained that there are 4 children in the house, and something shows up to do something very, very bad to them...I'd recommend you skip this one if you have any aversions whatsoever to the possibility of it happening. Even for the truly depraved horror fan (like myself) *fist pump* ya!, Baby Blues won't be the pride and joy or bragging piece of any DVD collection - your numbered edition of Cannibal Holocaust can breathe easy again ;)

Okay, now that that's out of the way. The setting and photography are frighteningly taken advantage of and captured - from the dreary archaic farmhouse to the mysterious and mazing cornfields. More than once I was thrown back to thoughts of Grandma's House (which had my shittin' bricks as a kid!)...no wonder kids under 18 dig Baby Blues the most.

Performances, for the most part, were excellent. Baby Blues relies most heavily on the shoulders of children, and although in a couple moments their inexperience and lack of talent was clearly evident, it doesn't hinder their believability or the story's entrallment.

So...if you're in the mood...to get in a worse mood, toss Baby Blues in the DVD player. But don't be surprised when you're saying "That was awesome! But I feel terrible for thinking so!"

9/10

Treevenge [2008, Jason Eisener]

2009-11-08T18:22:00.003-05:00

A revisit of sort...but mostly cuz it's (not as widely) available online (as it should be) now. Jason Eisener's Treevenge is one of the best shorts I have ever seen....gory as hell, hilarious and totally original...not unlike his winning faux trailer creation, Hobo With A Shotgun, included in the Grindhouse spectacle...also added for your displeasure. Can't wait to see this guy comes up with next!

Black XXX-Mas [1999, Pieter Van Hees]

2009-11-07T11:53:00.006-05:00

After viewing Linkeroever and admiring director Pieter Van Hees' helm of the project, I found myself diggin' up more dirt on the guy. Which led me to his award winning short Black XXX-Mas from 1999. Check this shit out...this guy's as spun as a ceiling in Courtney Love's room...I fuckin' love it!

Linkeroever [2008] aka Left Bank

2009-11-06T16:32:00.011-05:00

Why the fuck aint Belgium making more horror these days?!?!? Along with the recent successes of Vinyan (2008) and Calvaire (2004) (two Fabrice Du Welz-ian outtings), Linkeroever proves Belgium should steer some focus away from hardcore cycling and tasty waffles, toward some seriously fucked up "cinéma fantastique"!

We open with Marie - a part 22-year old track 'n field hottie and 13 year-old Dazed & Confused-ish virgin boy...I think I just suggested a closet love of all things penis and underage - but fuck it...just watch it and you'll see...I'm moving on! When a handicapping blood condition prevents her from training, she quickly re-involves herself with a newly found boyfriend (Bobby), whom she quickly moves in with.

The apartment - standing in the repugnant and dismal, yet highscale, Antwerp suburb - fills Marie with boredom - ironically, as Bobby has done nothing but fill her like a champ. One of the two inevitably lead her into the case of a mysterious disappearance of their former tenant. Not to mention, at one point, she must've cheated on Santa cuz he left a lump of coal in her furryplace (you explain it otherwise!). Anyway, along the way a couple periods are missed, archers show up, Marie gets naked, a lot, and a giant black hole has vagina written all over it.

At a quick glace, Linkeroever is everything but horror, a train wreck of abandoned and misdirected plotlines on a track to nowhere. Choo choo choose to take a more sharpened look, and you may just find a truly inventive and beautiful tale of rebirth and modern paganism, structured as a J-horror, however, without the jump-scares and the no long-black-haired Asian tween on a vengeance mission.

Linkeroever is incredibly shot, quite slow, well-sexed, and only reveals itself in the last few short minutes, a destination not everyone will make it to, but I did, and wasn't disappointed.

8/10

Grace [2009] A Ripoff?

2009-11-04T11:20:00.004-05:00

Should it be renamed Grace of the Vampire?!?!

An eerie resemblance for sure, however, only a portion of the Grave of the Vampire seems to be similar. In the 1974 film there's a subplot of the vampire child growing up and seeking revenge.

Give this is a go-around...

Grace [2009]

2009-11-02T18:49:00.008-05:00

Grace, is just about as unsettling as they come. Summed up hastely - it's no more than Three (Very Fucked Up Wo)Men & A Baby. More deeply, it's the display of the unconditional maternal bond of mother and child, and the subsequent embodiment of horror when tragedy shows it's face.

After bearing two miscarriages, Mike and Madeline, now turned to holistic health and alternative livelihoods, are happily expecting a baby girl. When a horrific car accident takes the life of Mike and the unborn child, Madeline's life, has inevitably been taken as well. Having feelings of never being able to experience motherhood or giving birth she decides to takes the pregnancy and terminated infant to term with the help of a naturalist midwife. Not long after the delivery, the once lifeless baby inside her, awakens...

From then on the story just b-lines it to land of demented fucked-up-ness. The baby tears through momma's teets like a fat kid to a smarties box 'til they bleed - and Grace f'n loves the shit. The overly intrusive mother-in-law is hellbent on taking the baby away from now shut in mother - and until she does, her husband will have to keep busy building a crib and sucking her breasts to stimulate the milk glands again - at least until she can pull her milk pump outta the basement.

The midwife, who's into scratching desk drawers and hiding her true feelings for Madeline from her lesbian assistant, is stalking her. Flies are god damned everywhere and Jonesy the cat keeps draggin' in dead mice and flinging his shit down the hall.

It's only a matter of time until Madeline runs out of blood - so when a family friend finds his way into the house and noses around just a lil' too much, the tad bit past his best before date hunk of bloody meat is on the menu. Mmm gravy.

Unlike some of the more recent how-far-can-you-go shockers (Martyrs, Inside, Antichrist) - Grace, I would have a seriously hard time recommending to friends...scratch that, to damn near anyone. Grace is extremely dark, and layered in a dismal monotone mood, only out-bored by it's painful pacing - but all is intended, and all is needed - remember, we are talking about topic of miscarriages and stillborn pregnancies.

All in all, it's more drama than horror, more unsettling than shocking, and more twisted than sick. I really, for lack of a better word - enjoyed Grace, but can't think of anyone else who would.

8/10

Rated But Not Reviewed - The Sequel

2009-11-01T13:01:00.007-05:00

Dead & Breakfast (2004) 6/10

Frailty (2001) 9/10

Ginger Snaps (2000) 10/10

Hannibal Rising (2007) 4/10

Hatchet (2006) 8/10

The Hills Haves Eyes (2006) 6/10

Hostel (2005) 5/10

House of 1000 Corpses (2003) 4/10

Land of the Dead (2005) 5/10

The Last Horror Movie (2003) 6/10

Man With The Screaming Brain (2005) 4/10

The Others (2001) 6/10

Pink Eye (2008) 6/10

Slither (2006) 6/10

Snakes On A Plane (2006) 5/10

Sunshine (2007) 6/10

Toolbox Murders (2003) 8/10

Undead (2003) 8/10

Wrestlemaniac (2006) 5/10

Rated But Not Reviewed

2009-11-01T12:43:00.003-05:00

28 Weeks Later (2007) 8/10

American Psycho (2000) 9/10

Audition (1999) 10/10

Battle Royale (2000) 7/10

Bubba Ho-Tep (2002) 9/10

Bug (2006) 8/10

Cabin Fever (2002) 7/10

The Children (2008) 9/10

Club Dread (2004) 6/10

Creep (2004) 9/10

Dead End (2003) 9/10

The Descent (2005) 10/10

Dog Soldiers (2002) 10/10

The Devil's Rejects (2005) 5/10

FearFinder Update

2009-10-27T09:31:00.002-04:00

I just wanted to point out a new scroll window (left hand side under the film rankings) I've added to help broaden the film base of FearFinder. I have literally seen hundreds of modern horror movies over the last couple of years - and have been revisiting the gems lately - but I feel the time it would take to get them all properly reviewed, they wouldn't be so "modern" anymore.

So for the next few weeks I'll be going back to every one I've seen. I'll rate them, wing a short micro-review, and then add to the new scroll window. With the list amassed I can easily pick and choose ones to revisit, and in the meantime still have all of them there as a quick reference guide for you.

If anyone has any other suggestions for the site, please let me know.

An Ear To The Blood Soaked Ground - The Human Centipede [2009]

2009-10-21T21:16:00.003-04:00

If you haven't already heard about this crazy fucker of a film, let me titillate your tingling tastelessness - A surgeon formerly specializing in separating siamese twins, 180's his space of speciality, and diverts his expertise to making them, ie joining people together! The "first sequence" of the film stories the beginning stages of his first experiment, attaching three people, via ass to mouth - a tossin' the salad extravaganza!

The Dutch writer/director Tom Six is obviosuly one sick fuck, and I can't wait to get a bite of this one! Keep your eyes open kids.

Deadgirl [2008]

2009-10-18T17:48:00.008-04:00

I don't think it would be far fetched to assume, as loyal readers of this esteemed review blog, that you are of strict moral and ethical principles, and adhere to complete soundness in mind and body, in keeping with your impeccable taste and standards - so in full confidence I must pose a question to you - if you were so fortunate to find yourself in the discoverance of a beautiful reanimated female corpse, fully restrained and restricted, and in total secrecy and privacy...would ya fuck the rottin' bitch?!?!? This is Deadgirl in a nutshell. *Yay!*

Whilst skipping school, best friends, and possibly experimental closet lovers, Rickie and J.T. seek out drunken fun from warm beer and an abandoned insane asylum. It isn't long before their curiosity takes them deep into the basement; finding a naked hot chick shackled to a gurney. Even unknowing that she is a zombie, Rickie is suspicious and cautious - J.T. wants to enter her ungently and urgently.

It is at this pivotal moment that Deadgirl becomes a lifeless bitch. If you're going to solely base your movie around fuckin' a zombie you should hit that shit Henenlotter style - blood, guts, laughs and ass - not a teen romance trip via coming-of-age roads through subtle social commentary landscapes with broken home destinations, that's a hot and harsh highway to ho-hum hell, and nobody bought tickets for that mmm-kay.

And if you are going to take the road less traveled, fill up the plot holes, explain the strange motives and inconsistencies, lay a solid foundation, and give those kids some condoms and lube. I could write more, and give a better explanation to my grudges, but honestly, if these filmmakers won't take the time to do it right, then I won't either.

4/10

Neighborhood Watch [2005]

2009-10-18T10:23:00.005-04:00

Neighborhood Watch is a (dangerously) spiked cocktail - part sweet, part sour, and part poison...most definitely in that order, with only the dosage mismeasured.

Bob and Wendi Patterson are two 20-somethings who moved cross country to a strange little town, it's blood pumped and kept alive only by the large chemical company that Bob arrived to work for. If his new co-0workers weren't weird enough, his neighbors surely are. An elderly couple too strange to be believed and an all too forward oddball - Adrian Trumbell - to name the important.

After a bouquet of poison oak and chocolates laced with horse laxative, Bob & Wendi finally wise up to Adrian's "welcome to the neighborhood" gifts, and present #3 is politely yet assuredly declined - Adrian takes offense and is determined to make them regret it.

A worthwhile effort from the writer of Dr. Giggles - Graeme Whifler - is effective, but more so just plain sick and frightfully twisted, as long as you can withstand the tedium of the first 45mins. The front half is overfilled with unnecessary and terrible dark comedy, accompanied by momentum killer character development with no destination. At times, it's painful to watch and outright embarrassing. Only Nick Searcy (Adrian) is able to push this tale along with any sort of reward in sight.

In around the 47min mark, Searcy takes over the film, delivering one of the most fucked up, craziest and ultra-psychotic characters of recent memory. From then on, the realm only worsens- where disturbing is an understatement, creepy's a belittlement and sadistic is over-friendly - culminating into a definitive all out grotesque-fest finale.

Dribs and drabs...there's scab eating, trouser shit skids, the quaintly gorgeous Pell James, strangely erotic house cat sex, and if that doesn't do it for ya, see it for the most fucked up masturbation scene ever!

7/10

Cthulhu [2007]

2009-10-17T17:05:00.004-04:00

Virtually no time has passed since Cthulhu ended it's screening on this Saturday afternoon, and I am already feeling the effects of this deeply rooted spin on Lovecraft's legendary tale The Shadow Over Innsmouth. It sits in my stomach - heavy, hard, and cold. Not this least bit digested, but I'm nonetheless writing about it now - not even my optimistic nature leads me to believe that any amount of time will allow me to do so.

Jason Cottle plays Russell, an openly gay man forced to return to his small town birthplace to act as executor for the estate of his recently deceased mother, much to the pleasure of his ultra-religious father - Reverand Marsh (brilliantly portrayed by Dennis Kleinsmith). It isn't long before a former love (Mike - played by Scott Patrick Green) is rekindled and the real truth behind his returning begins revealing itself all around him.

Cthulhu is a (can I say perfect) blend of art-film, homosexual drama, and mythical horror. Not often are genres co-mingled so harmoniously or so seemingly effortlessly. Most attempts lean unevenly or too strongly on one another and the collapse upon itself is inevitable. And most surprisingly - I can say all of this with having no actual admiration or dislike of the film - it simply happened, and I was witness to it. It worked, I'm just not sure if it worked for me.

The instances between Cottle and Green were captivating and enchanting - only out-shone by the breathtaking scenery of Oregon. The short occasions of horror, including the under-earth scenes lit only by the timed flashes of a disposable camera were terrifying and claustrophobic - reminiscent of scenes from [REC], Outpost and The Descent.

Not for everyone, *ahem* ...more acurately, only for a few - Cthulhu is well a thought-out, a well told, and a wel-come addition to the everexpanding world of modern day horror, even though I really can't say whether I liked it or not. PS - don't let Tori Spelling's appearance in the film deter you one bit, she's kinda decent in it. :/

7/10

Offspring [2009]

2009-10-16T22:43:00.005-04:00

Unless you're fuckin' new, you'd know I've been a huge fan of Jack Ketchum adaptations thus far. The Lost (2006) was violent and offensive, The Girl Next Door (2007) was discomforting and depraved, and Red (2008) was riveting and mesmerizing. Which brings me to Offspring - summed up, more disappointing than that one time I fell asleep during a blow job - neither experience will EVER happen to me AGAIN.

Welcome to Dead River, where every 10 years or so feral children reappear and kill local home owners employed as bad actors hoping they have a young infant cuz there's is "cursed". When the first multiple homicide occurs this go around, the cops give up after thinking real hard for a half hour and request the help of a former detective turned drunk who's got a score to settle from 10 years ago even though he caught the band of 8yr old cannibals in their cave with stolen babies and shouldn't really have anything to prove besides sleeping without a pistol in hand stone sober.

Now don't get me wrong - I bet the fuckin' book is killer - but the whole execution and direction of this film totally shit the bed. The most capable (and we're lead to believe lead) actor gets killed way too early, a few young kids with bad makeup and even worse wigs aren't scary, and the dialogue is delivered worse than 4am pad thai.

At least Ketchum doesn't let us down - with some sweet kid kills, feral breast feeding and a clit gets bit then spit. And thumbs up for some great gore effects....but still...

5/10

Trick 'r Treat [2008]

2009-10-14T17:30:00.005-04:00

As I sit on the proverbial fence pondering what I've just sat through, I can't help but reflect upon the almost 2 YEARS I've waited for this film; the countless rave reviews, social circle buzz and inevitable "hype", that all went hand in hand. I sit, and attempt to amass an all encompassing list of things I hate about Trick 'r Treat...but frankly, I think I'd be sitting for awhile.

An anthology of five stories, interlaced, Trick 'r Treat's a pleasant throwback to the days of Creepshow and Tales From The Crypt - "This is the old days, the bad days, the all or nothing days" - the glorious horror days. Each tale holds a genuine Halloween tradition and mystique to it - check your candy before eating it, never blow out a jack-o-lantern, not everything is what it seems, be as ready to receive a trick than you are with a treat etc.

It doesn't stop there either, this film doesn't just want to take place on Halloween, it's sole purpose is to be Halloween - and all the fun, food, fright (and UNICEF) that goes along with it. The key word there, "fun". And I do believe it hit the nail on the head. It's a celebration of the holiday and the movie fans that love it. Once again, it doesn't stop there either...it's as much an homage to the horror genre as it is a tribute to the holiday (countless friendly nods to the genre greats, Raimi and King to name just two).

Trick 'r Treat's not overcomplicated, and it's simplicity that breeds it's masterful execution. Just tell a good fuckin' story, put it in the right setting, get a genre fan and enthusiast to shoot it, don't rip anybody off, remake or rehash anything. Plain and simple.

I really can't say much else about this breath-of-fresh-air...except, and I'd be willing to bet, it becomes more of cult phenomenom than Repo! The Genetic Opera (2008) and will no doubt have an annual festive screening at my house like A Christmas Story and Christmas Vacation.

Dribs and drabs..."Charlie Brown's an ASSHOLE!", Brian Cox gets Pet Cemeteried, "Coach Taylor was in a hotdog costume, butt-fuckin' a pig...", and the burlap bagged, 2 black buttoned Halloween caretaker could be the creepiest lil' fucker since everyone's favourite parasitic twin, Belial.

10/10

Antichrist [2009]

2009-10-13T16:36:00.007-04:00

Antichrist is everything that is beautiful and detestable in the world of film and horror today. Visionaries are few and far between, but emerging almost cohesively yet individually, they're giving birth to some of the most breathtaking horror films ever concocted. Martyrs (2008), Let The Right One In (2008, and Vinyan (2008) are such films. Lars von Trier's Antichrist deserves the like respect and admiration - or controversy and hatred depending on who speaks.

Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg are the nameless parents of a son who haphazardly falls to his death from a window while the two are carelessly fuckin' in among the apartment. Each mourns uniquely - the mother terribly, emotionally, and painstakingly, and the father (a therapist) distracts his grief by attempting to treat his sorrowful wife.

When her fear of their cabin in the woods becomes apparent, the two journey to it's depths to face it head on. Unbeknownst to the couple, the fear is stronger than they could ever imagine. Mysteries will be revealed, horror is inevitable, and truth is inescapable.

Antichrist is beautiful to watch, terrifying to hear, and almost impossible to swallow. Opening with a distressing slow-motion prologue over Händel - it is almost beautiful to watch the young child fall to his death - an uncomfortable and not uncommon seat in which all viewers are sitting.

The discomfort never settles. We're then taken along with the couple to the stories final resting plot - the evergreen forest and dark and dismal cabin. A constant bombardment of ghastly imagery and the haunting rumbles of natures are unavoidable. As to is the ever unbinding of secrets one of our charcters is withholding.

In the final acts are shocking and gruesome. All will be revealed yet nothing will be explained. We're left to digest this encroachment on our own - a challenging yet hopefully rewarding exercise. Dafoe and Gainsbourg are nothing short of incredible, as like is the spectacular photography and powerful editing. Antichrist is a film you must simply see.

10/10

Teeth [2007]

2009-10-13T11:47:00.006-04:00

Teeth is an overhyped, overrated, and if brilliant, over my head. I get the sexual coming-of-age transformation. I get the Eve, Eden & the forbidden fruit metaphor. I get the anti-sexual violence towards women statement. But with a one magic trick method of getting there, Teeth bit off more than it could chew.

Dawn is a bible-thumping virgin who's only interests have been abstinance, loving Jesus and ignoring her va-jay-jay. Good thing, cuz her love den's got cuspids, her poontang has tooth-fangs, her muff's got tusks, errr...sorry. Fast forward an hour, and her holy roller friend tries to rape her...and he ends up losing his head.

Teeth, as with blowjobs, just doesn't do it for me. Filled with uninteresting characters, unexplained motives, and a few early anti-climactic bloody crotches...by the end of them film there's really nothing to look forward to.

The actors are all very good, but to me, just not the right actors. The production is too polished to pass this off as a low-budget b-movie. And by the end of the flick...I'm still waiting for the vagina dentata snapper shot!

Dribs and drabs...a bloody cock end gets slopped from the cunny, a dog eats it, incest is always best, crabs are never good, and Christians should never be trusted.

6/10

Feast [2005]

2009-10-12T16:20:00.004-04:00

Ever have a dvd just sitting on your shelf, unpackaged, but otherwise completely brand new? That was Feast for me. I had heard it was fantastic, a high energy action packed sci-fi comedy horror that spun off from Project Greenlight's third season. But that didn't stop me from ignoring it. What I found out today was that I need to stop sleepin' on these passed overs...Feast is killer.

We open in a hillbilly hubbed tavern in a remote part of the desert. We meet our soon to be victims with screen shot info of each like some sort of video game. Right after we'e met everyone, our "hero" storms through the front door with a shot gun and severed alien head, "Unless you people want to die you'll do what I say and you'll do it fast!".

From then on Feast doesn't let up. The pace is fierce, the kills are nasty, the blood flows and the scares are endless. There's no backstory, no explanation, no cgi, and no fuckin' around. Think Evil Dead suspense and gore, with Starship Troopers characters, set in The Mist. When all is said and done, you'll wonder how the hour and a half flew by so fast and when's the fuckin' sequel out...but good news - there's 2 already out.

Dribs and drabs...there's doggie style alien sex, green slime barf, baby alien spunk in a chick's mouth, a double-fisted crainium crush, maggot eyes, utter hilarity and Henry Rollins in pink sweatpants. Fuckin' priceless.

8/10

The Lost [2006]

2009-10-10T09:26:00.004-04:00

After recently revisiting two newer Ketchum adaptations - The Girl Next Door (2007) and Red (2008) - I thought I should venture back to the one that started it all - 2006's The Lost. The Lost, not unlike The Girl Next Door, is loosely based on a true story, this one being the case of Charles Schmid.

Ray Pye is a control driven short tempered drug dealing greaser who "put crushed beer cans into his boots to make himself look taller". Obediently followed by his two best friends Tim and Jennifer, Ray murders two young women in the woods after self-concluding the two were "lesbos" and didn't deserve to live.

Fast forward 4 years, the case remains unsolved, and Ray has grown further into a life of control, drugs, and an ever culminating rage just waiting to explode.

Jack Ketchum adaptations are all quite similarly structured. A slow lead up, an emotionally driven story, familiar world's unravel, and an inevitable point of no return climax of violence and depravity. Marc Senter is hypnotic to watch and chilling to absorb...a brilliant performance not unlike the efforts of Blythe Auffarth and Brian Cox of The Girl Next Door and Red respectively. Unrelenting, vicious, sexy, and offensive.

Other dribs and drabs...everyone's favourite softcore turned horror actress Misty Mundae appears butt naked no more than a minute in, a pregnant woman gets the Inside scoop on at-home baby delivery, the soundtrack ranging from 1960's British pop to 90's death metal is fun and terrifying if not masterfully employed, and "what the fuck is she still alive for?!?! I just shot her!".

9/10

An Ear To The Blood Soaked Ground - Hypertrophy Genital Girls [2009]

2009-10-09T16:07:00.005-04:00

From deranged director Noboru Iguchi (Machine Girl) comes a twisted tale of a young girl who suddenly starts growing a humongous dong. Need I go further into plot summary...I think not. Starring gorgeous big-eyed adult film star Tsubomi. Can't help but think of the recent Teeth (2007), Bad Biology (2008), Kondom des Grauens (1996) aka Killer Condom and Kiseichuu: kiraa pusshii (2004) aka Killer Pussy.

And in case you don't notice...the entire "NSFW" is used up to hide the giant man pride.

Click For Trailer

Surveillance [2008]

2009-10-05T18:09:00.007-04:00

Although you won't find me mooing "nepotism!" like the pretentious and ego-maniacal beef reviewers out there, but the distaste in my summation of Surveillance will be quite alike. Daughter Lynch and Surveillance has had a lot of buzz...but for me, too big a hangover to repeat the taste test. Think Kalifornia, meets Saw, with a surprise visit from Super Troopers.

Here we go...two FBI agents arrive at a remote police station, after a brutal car accident and multiple homicides, to help investigate and interrogate three survivors including one police officer. The officer is questioned by the police chief (Michael Ironside), a 20-something drug addict gets the two remaining on-duty officers, and a young child is consoled and questioned by the female agent (Julia Ormond), all while the male agent (Bill Pullman) looks on over three video monitors.

Surveillance steps onto the right foot right off the bat...a brutal slice and dice goriffic double murder attempt in a bedroom...we're then rudely interrupted as Surveillance comes down with a bad case of the "bloodied and injured woman escapee running and screaming down a road" syndrome. **And I thought only the drug addict had the sniffles.**

From then on Jennifer Lynch force feeds us an awkward, yet workable structured angle to the horrific events...each victims tells a self-serving account, while the audience receives the actual events...most of it's boring, idiotic, and unreal. Once we're all up to speed, the twist is airplaned into our tight lipped mouths and shoved down our throat...but if you didn't fall asleep you already knew what the secret shitty ingredient was.

Other dribs and drabs...Julia Ormond is still ever-sexy, Bill Pullman has the trademark Pullmanian squinty mcgrin performance dialed up to "dangerously high", French Stewart of 3rd Rock fame and co-writer Kent Harper are ridiculous and idiotic, Ryan Simpkins gets the 2008 Dakota Fanning Award, and David Lynch can chalk this up as pro-bono work.

5/10

Spiral [2007]

2009-10-04T18:01:00.006-04:00

Spiral's a nifty lil' psychological thriller about a fucked up telemarketer who entices beautiful young women to pose for him in his bare minimalist artist's studio/apartment, with each posed portrait culminating further into unhealthy fascination, frightful obsession, and ultimately untimely engrossment.

Adam Green, director of the acclaimed 2006 flick Hatchet, takes a 180º by joining forces with first time lead actor/writer/director/producer and undeniable jack of all trades Joel Moore - but in this case, quite evidently, a master of all - with a pg-13 rating, violence, gore and nudity free what-the-fuck film. But good on them... cuz Spiral is quite superb.

With a nasty snowballed pace, cramped and dim styled photography, wicked script and brilliant lead acting from the man behind the madness, Spiral delivers the oft-attempted perfect psycho thriller...topped with a somewhat "coulda called it" twist ending, that will sure to please if egos allow.

8/10

Red [2008]

2009-10-04T17:56:00.001-04:00

I'll be honest, I don't read - but Jack Ketchum is by far my favourite author. His recent adaptations of The Girl Next Door in 2007 and The Lost in 2005 were both incredible. And Red is no exception.

Led by a heartless hot-tempered punk, a group of young no-good-doers attempt to rob an old man harmlessly fishing on a riverbank. When the old man has little to offer, the ring leader shoots and kills his (part-of-the) family dog. Justice is sought, revenge is taken, but will balance be restored?

Red is a mesmerizing, riveting, and engrossing thriller. Produced and starring brilliant character actor Brian Cox, is both captivating and self-masturbatory. Kind of celebration of one's own ego and his exemplary evidence to prove it...but don't let that dissuade you. It's well earned and completely justified. So much so in fact that I can't think of a single actor could have pulled it off. The rest of the cast is almost equally incredible. Noel Fisher as our antagonist and Kyle Gallner are fantastic.

Red's performances are only outshined by Ketchum's eerily real story and Stephen Susco's screenplay. The entire span of the film where practically nothing happens until the final scenes is almost completely unnoticeable and it's simplicity and effectiveness can't be match by any recent like film.

10/10

May [2002]

2009-09-06T16:29:00.004-04:00

May is unique...uncomfortable and awkward. Without boundaries it fuses into so many genres it transcends to that dismal gray area where only flukes or masterpieces lie. May is that dark poetry you love...to keep to yourself.

May (Angela Bettis) is an outcast - forgotten and looked over in the realm of normal - finding only friendship from a doll, enclosed in a wooden case. She spends her time alone, or admiring those from afar - until she sees their ugliness. After meeting Adam (Jeremy Sisto), her lifeline search for companionship and love seem to have been found.

hen the relationship is heartbreakingly ended May realizes that maybe there aren't any good people, but only good pieces of people..."so many pretty parts, no pretty wholes".

I love this little gem - like Polly (Anna Faris) loves her pussy... - reminiscent to the creepiness, complexity, and oppressiveness of Buffalo 66. Lucky McKee is masterful - both behind the camera and scripting it's story. Angela Bettis is incredible - seductive and fragile. The culmination of tragedy within May is difficult to be aware of, right up until you're amidst it...but when it arrives, it an emotionless landslide of hate, destruction and beauty.

9/10

Blood Car [2007]

2009-09-04T17:58:00.003-04:00

Every time I hear, read or see the title Blood Car I can't help but memory back to the classic Patton Oswalt stand up routine on Death Bed: The Bed That Eats (1977) ...but Blood Car is so much more than an obscure cult title none of your friends will ever discover. It's at times insanely hilarious, utterly ridiculous, absolutely retarded, and brilliantly created.

Meet Archie, a tree huggin' vegan primary school teacher bent on creating an engine solely fueled by wheatgrass - as the ever near future (two weeks from now), oil prices have skyrocketed leaving only the wealthy capable of driving. During a drunken expedition into experimental science Archie cuts himself - the blood from the wound conveniently joining his wheatgrass concoction - miraculously - it is the secret ingredient that brings life into the mini motor. The accidental discovery turns the mild mannered green activist into a va-jay-jay crazed murderer.

From start to finish the hilarity, gore, and derangement never let down. The supporting cast is excellent, only outshined by our anti-hero played by Mike Brune. I really can't say anything more about this little indie gem without making myself sound like a complete pro-cult cheerleader or attached investor - just see it, and let me know what you think.

9/10

PS - Try identifying the numerous homages and respect nods along the way!

(The Shining, Goodfellas, Natural Born Killers, Soylent Green, Little Shop of Horrors etc.)

Rovdyr aka Manhunt [2008]

2009-09-03T19:30:00.007-04:00

As the Norwegian surpriser Fritt Vilt did two years prior, Rovdyr is a pretty entertaining little survival horror. No originality, no story, no character development - just plain ol' nasty edge of your seat, tightly constructed murder mayhem.

Four 20-somethings head into the wilderness for a weekend of hiking - and dying. A pit stop is made, they banter with some locals, pick up a mysterious hitchhiker, and Roger won't let Camilla play with the radio - oh that's sooooo Roger. Hitchiker vomits, they pull over das auto, and the hillbillies jump outta da bushes with shotguns and knives!

Fast forward a few minutes and the road crew wakes up in the forest, gagged and bound. Once free, the four assess the damage and without warning - the manhunt is on.

Like I said, no originality - the whole first act seems pulled from the The Texas Chainsaw Massacre - and unhiddenly Rovdyr is set in the 70's too. We don't really know anything about the hour - except one guy's a prick, one's a nerd, and their two girl companions may or may not have lesbian tendancies. Oh ya, and don't touch Roger's stereo.

But all that aside, it's quite a ride. From start to finish the gas pedal is slammed to the floor. The short runtime is beautifully pieced, no rests are taken here. If their not on the run, being cut up, or stuck in a trap, they're hiding for their lives, with hillbilly rapists hot on the scent.

There is some great gore, some great kills, and a dead body with a bloody ass in a tent - hey, I'm just sayin'. Don't expect to much, and you will be given a solid hour+ of grimy grindhouse exploitation.

7/10

Drag Me To Hell [2009]

2009-09-02T20:48:00.006-04:00

Sam Raimi finally returns to the genre that gave birth to one of hollywood's most admired directors. And that statement alone can either give horror fanatics an adolescent tickle in their drawers or cat piss in the mouth syndrome. Yes, we've all been waiting Evil Dead 4 for what seems like a bury Michael Jackson already eternity, but c'mon - we're talking about Sam fuckin' Raimi! Like, gave us Bruce fuckin' Campbell fuckin' Raimi! Like, gave us blue, green, yellow, fuckin' blood Sam fuckin' Raimi! Like, BOOMSTICK, Sam Raimi. I digress. I am more than happy to give Raimi a have atter before he delivers us our quadripelgicology.

We open in 1969, in Spain I think. A weak and haunted young boy arrives at a mansion inhabited by a gypsy of some sort. He stole something, demons want his soul now and I guess mansion gypsies can save the day. But naw, they can't - boy gets pulled to hell - fast forward 40 years.

Cute but not sexy Christine Brown is a loan officer in a bank. Old cranky peasant lady comes in, asks for leeway from a bank (thinks about the current financial system meltdown of the world) this gran's fucked and they take her house. Grandma gums is pissed, clearly she's no banker thanker. So she comes back later that day - attacks Christine, we get a crazy as hell underground parking scene - ending with a curse put on our heroine.

From then on it's all popcorn scares and gag humour, PG-13 style. Christine holds hand with an east-Indian fortune teller, she kills her cat, and what do ya know? That furtune teller knows the mansion gypsy! Fast forward 30 minutes, present the predictable and "called it!" twist ending, and it's time for pie.

Drag Me To Hell isn't a complete waste of time - it's pretty entertaining, it's shot extremely well, it's gags were quite Evil Dead-ish, it definately has Raimi's brand farted all over it, but it's too on the fence for me. I want the tickle or the catpiss. Give me something poorer or give me some fuckin' horror.

6/10

Sauna [2008]

2009-08-30T14:51:00.004-04:00

Sauna is an Apocalypse Now-esque tale of darkness and the inescable path to reckoning that is both pretentious and masterful, boring and thrilling. Finland's Antti-Jussi Annila gives us Eerik and Knut - two brothers sent by Sweden to mark the border between Finland and Russia after a quarter decade war over the church has reached it's end.

Along their expedition, the brothers take shelter with a widower father and his teenaged daughter. Upon discovering the hidden religion of the quaint family, the older - and much more brutal - brother Eerik is seen stabbing the father to death (for untruthfully reaching for an axe). To protect the survived daughter from Eerik, the younger - and more sheltered brother - locks her in an underground cellar.

As the trek continues off the property, Knut is haunted by the visions of the girl they have abandoned to die. Further on a swamp is reached that they must divide to each country. In the middle of the swamp a small uncharted village is stumbled upon - a village of 73 - an amount equal to lives Eerik has taken...and those that need to be avenged.

With eerily mirrored parallels to Vinyan (2008), Sauna is an emotional and pyschological journey to the inner depths of fate and hell, and not unlike the ever brilliant Ravenous - filthy, cold, and thrilling. The cast is captivating, the script is fantastic, and the setting, scene locations and photography are beautifully unclean. The lack of gore and slow pacing found here are not for the average horror fan, but those well versed in the films of inner horror or period horror will find Sauna well worth the short running time.

9/10

The Haunting In Connecticut [2009]

2009-08-23T16:05:00.005-04:00

I'll be honest...I usually try and keep good distance away from big-budget US productions but it's been too long since I've kept up with my reviews...and watching modern horrors in general (don't get married, move into your first house, and take up a costly and time demanding hobby like woodworking all in 6 months and expect to have time for much else). So I thought I'd toss in a easy one to get my writing brain functioning again.

The Haunting In Connecticut is nothing more than an Americanized version of classic Japanese ghost horrors. Heavy stringed score, check. Jump scares, check. Devoid of gore and violence, check. Creepy black haired ghost, chhhhh....errr...damn American horror fimmakers can't do anything right.

Keeping in line with it's Japanese predecessors the performances are good to great (minus the lackluster Martin Donovan as Peter Campbell, who's drunken tirade against any and all light bulbs was deplorably laughable). Rounding out it's pluses were the excellent house setting and capable cinematography. But seriously...(yawn)

Not completely terrible but almost unavoidably forgettable, it isn't really worth any more time. So go rent some good J-horror to make you dread your next trip to the nearest "little Asia" or local chicken ball delivery man.

6/10

Home Movie [2008]

2009-07-05T12:49:00.008-04:00

Scribe another tick on the shaky cam found footage tally...but just don't assume it embodies any of it's qualities with those of it's peers...Home Movie can stand proudly on in it's own, even though it'd look a tad hungry and a bit lonely. Home Movie is the story of the "just moved to the country" Poe Family spanned over a number of weekend holidays, each showcasing the ever culminating evil in the Poe's twin children, Jack and Emily, right up until their pastor father dawns a pink bunny suit and the possibly molested kids get pushed over the edge.

Home Movie is commendable for it's unique stylistic approach to the sub-genre - establishing roots by relying heavily on it's characters, performances (Adrian "flying man!" Pasdar of TV's Heroes gives a superman-like outing), and strong script to create tension, and ultimately, horror. But only if you've bought in.

Unlike most of it's sister celluloids Home Movie was backed by a solid financial foundation, and that, IMHO was it's biggest flaw. Shaky cam's are best viewed if they're actually believable...and actually shaky cam'd! Home Movie was just shot too well. Too well in fact that it wasn't even remotely scary because it just looked too polished and too produced. But maybe it's just me...

6/10

Dead Snow [2009]

2009-04-01T17:38:00.007-04:00

What the fuck is up with Scandanavia these days? Besides working on a cashless society, creating clean energy, and popping out hot blondes...horror, that's fuckin' what. And good horror no less!

A lot of people are going to think I've gone completely nuts, but I seriously haven't had this much fun with a zombie movie since Shaun of the Dead...let me give you some time to digest that, or to vacate Fear Finder because this kid obviously doesn'tknow shit about shit...except in Dead Snow, a hot ass Norwegian girl might just barge into an outhouse, straddle a lap, strip, and lick a finger right after taking one and not wiping.

Let me set this one up. A group of twenty-somethings head up north to a secluded cabin for a weekend of drinking, fucking, horror movie convo, and the all to popular these days...getting killed. Nope, nothing original here. Cliches...check. Plot holes...check. Loose story...check. But about the 45 min mark, all will be forgotten my friends...as each minute the mayhem just snowballs right into the final epic apex of gore galore!

We've got machine gun ski-doos, crows bludgeoned to death against a tree, skull smashing, arm amputations, head splittings, shitty coffee, ball chomps, grenades, small intestine rappelling, and so many other death scenes that have set the bar so god damn high it's ridiculous.

Dead Snow doesn't try to push for new boundaries, or over complicate things. It's a zombie movie...no more, no less...and doesn't try to be anything else. And that's the beauty. So very few recent horrors have got the old formula right...yet somehow Dead Snow recreates the perfect entertaining horror. If you'd rather see brains than stimulate them - Dead Snow has got what you need...and about a 100 other bloody body parts too. Highly recommended for any comedy horror lovers.

9/10

Timecrimes [2007]

2009-03-29T15:22:00.005-04:00

Like my most recently reviewed Vinyan, Timecrimes (or natively Los Cronocrímenes) stripped down is basically a ripoff, this time it's Sundance's 2004 Grandy Jury Prize winning Primer, but that aside, it's a smart and entertaining thriller of timely proportions.

Meet Héctor, a typical average-joe buffoon trying to enjoy the good weather and a day off of work. Laziness gets the better of him, and he finds himself lounging in his backyard with some trustee binoculars. At a distance his lenses find a beautiful woman in the woods all too carefree and undressing herself. Héctor casts his wife away and ventures off his property for a closer peep. Upon reaching a good distance he is attacked by an estranged man reminiscent of Sam Raimi's Darkman.

After getting a scissor puncture to the arm, he escapes to a nearby science lab, is coaxed into a time machine and is sent back to earlier on that day...where present time Héctor is living his life...and the mystery, chaos, and confusion begins!

Time travel films are always tricky. You can't get too complex or you'll confuse and dissuade the viewer. You can't leave it too simple or it's too predictable with little to no room for surprises. The much coveted and difficult to find balance is achieved in Timecrimes; maybe even moreso that the aforementioned Primer, which left me quite dumbfounded.

A good comparison could be Christopher Nolan's Memento (although not a "time travel" movie per se). Add an incredibly intelligent script, likeable, realistic and believable characters, and superb direction, and you get a film worth seeking out or a blind buy.

8/10

Vinyan [2008]

2009-03-28T19:13:00.005-04:00

Vinyan is a cold and dirty bitch, yet infectious and captivating. What could be described as nothing more than a Heart of Darkness ripoff, Vinyan separates itself from the accusation by offering it's own variant unnerving imagery, disruptive sound editing, and unsettling psyche.

Paul and Jeanne are heart torn parents after their only child was stripped from their lives in the devastating south asian tsunami. While at a fundraiser for destitute Thainese families, Jeanne notices a child with striking resemblances to her own in a video of a ravaged villaged. Pushing unlikelihood aside the two follow distrustworthy guides into Burma, where the video was shot and where their prayers will be realized or their nightmares materialized.

Fabrice Du Welz's follow up to Calvaire, Vinyan, does not stray far from the successful formula. Vinyan is as damp and nasty, as unique and ripped-off, and as intensely laborious and painful to watch as Calvaire, with nods this time around going to Apocalypse Now and Lord of the Flies. Such deliveries won't fly with all, but for those in acceptance will be treated to an incredible odyssey of emotion and pain, climaxing with horror and awe....and possibly a tribe of kids rubbing mud all over Emmanuelle Béart's naked body (hey...I'm just sayin').

Although Vinyan won't please everybody, I suggest you try it once. Puff puff pass my friends!

8/10

Outpost [2008]

2009-03-24T20:42:00.008-04:00

Can you say **cough cough** The Prowler (1981)

Outpost proves that you really don't need an intelligence or innovation to shit out a good film. No need for any originality when you can box it up, smother with shimmery wrapping, top with a bow, and give it to a grateful imbecile who's just happy you didn't smear it on their face. Let me explain.

A group of mercenaries, with Harrison Ford in K-19: The Widowmaker caliber accents, are hired to lead a mysterious engineer into the heart of war stricken Eastern Europe to find a bunker which hides a WWII relic of experimental physics that turns dead Nazi soldiers into an indestructible SS ghost army! Apparently Outpost should've been named Universal Soldier: The Nazi Germany Edition.

But honestly, you won't even notice the fuckin' half-assed story (well, now you might...and quite possibly I ruined the whole fuckin' experience for you! Sorry bitches). Outpost is tightly built on a sound foundation of solid filmmaking. The film opens with the aforementioned soldiers treking through the depressing countryside as a saddening score moods us well. Our characters are interesting, mesh well on screen and don't say anything warranting bitch slaps for retardancees. The cinematography is strikingly bleak and cold.

Tell me ^^^ THAT isn't creepy as fuck! Geeeez

When we are finally taken inside the outpost itself, director Steve Barker really turns up the creep factor, the darkness and scare factor are not too dissimilar than 2005's The Descent. Lights flicker on and off, and we only gets glimpses of the impending evil. Some good kills are upon us...and from then on, the story unravels and the final battle ensues, and really, the film just sputters and dies.

If you want recent comparisons, think Dog Soldiers with a worse ending, or a Rogue that actually delivers some suspense. In summary, it's really the packaging and delivery that make Outpost a check-out-worthy film.

7/10

An Ear To The Blood Soaked Ground - What's In The Box? [20XX?]

2009-03-19T10:37:00.004-04:00

Check out this little test video of an in production independant film. Reminiscent of the teaser for Cloverfield, but can I say a little more inspiring?!?!?

Official Website

The Burrowers [2008]

2009-03-18T21:09:00.006-04:00

J.T. Petty's The Burrowers, based on and brought to the big screen from a 7-part tv miniseries, is good. And that is the problem, it's a good movie, just a terrible horror film.

After a family is abducted from their home, leaving only a mangled man and pools of blood, a posse of law-men and locals assemble to hunt down the suspected Indians and bring the family home safely (before they're raped and scalped). While on the warpath, men go missing by the night and the hunters become more and more the hunted - by those scalping and raping Indians...or maybe an unseen unimaginable evil. DUN DUN DUN.

Think Tremors, without a hot female lead or comic relief, and these creatures paralyze and shallow bury their victims (returning later to eat them alive), directed by John Ford, starring Lost outcasts instead of John Wayne. Get all that? Ok, good.

The long drawn out story takes us over the picturesque wasteland of Nevada, following scruffy men with nothing really interesting to say, but at least whatever they're saying, it's said well...few and far between are tense moments for tweens, where we get only glimpses of this mysterious creatures that we hardly care about because it was 45 mins ago when we saw that really cool scene...but that doens't matter because scruffy men are still talking by fires, and sometimes on horses, over the picturesque Nevada wasteland. Nice.

When the finale finally finalizes I'm just too drama-mooded to death to actually care about the mystery being unfolded, which is good, because it never does really unfold...it just kind of ends...and those damn Indians are still to blame! Fuck...and I thought non-reservation living minorities had it bad. Well, at least I still have that picturesque Nevada wasteland.

5/10

Bad Biology [2008]

2009-03-15T18:38:00.006-04:00

“I was born with 7 clits.” The now infamous opening line to Frank Henenlotter’s glorious return to film, or smut and gore depending on whom you’re asking, is stapled to every review, stamped to every brain, and saluted in every cult circle. But I choose to offer yet another line to sum up the experience of Bad Biology…

“This not clever. This is not intelligent. This is not artistic. This is crude, gutter-level filth.”

True, so very fuckin’ true…I smirk in agreeance and glee.

Let me bring you up to speed. Jennifer, the heavenly bestowith of said multiple clits, is “unlike other so-called nymphomaniacs, (her) needs are not psychological, they’re physical”; which make her covet “dick like a junkie needs a fix”. Her unbearable desires and sexual appetite are uncontrollable, leading her to a life of one-night stands, murder and the never-ending search for someone “built differently”. Enter Batz, the hung like a horse and yin to her yang, is a socially awkward, pill popper with an addiction all his own – his dick has an alter ego strung out on steroid and hormone stimulants. Let the games begin!

Henenlotter does it like no one else. Yes, we’ve had some recent vagina-logue horrors – Teeth and Killer Pussy . But Henenlotter pushes the boundaries further and explores new territories.

He’s auteurist, if you’ve ever seen Basket Case, Brain Damage or Frankenhooker, you know you’re watching a Henenlotter film. Dark comedy, eroticism, and wholesome ol’ sex are intertwined with the horror foundation almost seamlessly. Combine that with a a thumpin’ underground hip hop score, an unforgettable, implausible and utterly fucked up storyline, including a detachable penis on a bangin’ spree, vagina faces, a half dozen or so crying mutant babies, and a masturbation contraption that’d put the cybian to shame, and you have one helluva entertaining hour and twenty!

9/10

Bad Biology Trailer
by dreadcentral

100 Feet [2008]

2009-03-15T02:02:00.005-04:00

Although I’m ecstatic to see Eric Red (The Hitcher, Near Dark & Body Parts) behind the helm again - this time not taking 12 years to return - 100 Feet falls flat, having tripped over itself. X-Men ex-hottie Famke Janssen stars as Marnie, a recent parolee returning home to live out the rest of her sentence under house arrest. The catch? It’s the house she killed her wife beating cop husband in.

100 Feet stumbles right out of the gate with the absolutely terrible on screen partnership of Janssen and wannabe goomba, Bobby Cannavale (as dead husband’s former partner Shanks). We’re force-fed awkward and ludicrous dialogue with the all-too-annoying and obvious too much info scenario set up.

“What do you mean I’m not going to have power until Monday, that means I won’t have power ALLLLL weekend?!?!” – dun dun dun!

The night arrives. And aforementioned husband's ghost shows up to finish the beat down he was so inconsiderately interrupted by his knife-wielding wife. Marnie spends the weekend ordering delivery, sleeping with teenagers, and enjoying the spontaneous surprises from the chin checker spectre.

A few decent jump scares and one apparition ass-whooping for the ages later, we’re thrown a laughable and nonsensical ending that only Sauron of Lord of the Rings would understand. If you like j-horror, check this out, if you don’t, skip it.

5/10

The Living and The Dead [2006]

2009-03-12T14:08:00.008-04:00

The Living and the Dead is an artsy and drama-driven tale of the death and the descension into madness using setting and tone from shades of Kubrick's The Shining and Aronofsky's Requiem for a Dream, that aims not to please but shake convention and disrupt the norm.

The Brocklebanks are a once well-off family of three, Donald, and ex-Lord and former business-mogul now homeridden to care for his only child James, a schitzophrenic man-kid, and his wife Nancy, now a terminally ill dependant. To avoid the sale of their countryside estate, Donald is forced to abandon his family and home, leaving the care duties to a nurse on daily house call. James sees this as his opportunity to "make daddy proud" by taking responsiblity and care for his mother, and subsequently himself. After James locks the nurse out of the house, places the phone off the hook, and attempts to care for 2 persons too many...the downward spiral ensues - and this is where director Simon Rumley really bleeds his genius.

The mental breakdown is the make or break moment for these psychological films, and Rumley uses all the tricks in his bag. Rumley utilizes camera techniques (speed framing and motion shooting) and setting either cold and desolute or bare and cramped to throw the viewer of kilter, incorporate the brilliant acting of Leo Bill as James, and the final product is quite effective - even for someone quite desensitized. The one downside is the somewhat anti-climactic ending which is far from terrorizing or horrific, but once again effective, if not predictable, I guess

In summary, The Living and the Dead is a handicap kid at an amusement park. Most will casually peek, some will stare, and few will want to take him home and feed him jello...where you fall will determine the likelyhood of you enjoying this movie.

7/10

An Ear To The Blood Soaked Ground - Offspring [2010]

2009-03-10T10:53:00.006-04:00

With the recent successes of Jack Ketchum adaptations - The Lost (2005), The Girl Next Door (2007), Red (2008)...yet another novel comes to the big screen - Offspring...and I couldn't be happier.

Each of his first three adapations are wonderfully disturbing films, each unique, each compelling, and each unrelenting in nature. I can only guess that Offspring will encompass these characteristics and shock us once again.

"Survivors of a feral flesh-eating clan are chowing their way through the locals. Amy Halbard and Claire Carey strive to survive their abduction by the cannibals and save their children. A subplot involving Claire's despicable husband, Steven, gives an opportunity to cleverly compare predatory civilized folk to the appetite-driven primitives. Written by MODERNCINÉ STAFF" - Source: IMDB.com

Mirrors [2008]

2009-03-08T17:53:00.006-04:00

I don't watch many big budget ego-monger made mainstream horrors, but I HAD to check out Mirrors eventually...I'll follow Alexandre Aja into the depths of fluff animation and rom-com meadows after he gave us the gloriously brutal High Tension.

Sure, a Mirrors review wasn't necessary, but I figured I should at least drop a thought or two for other fellow indie-lovers and underground dwellers.

Mirrors plays out like a Japanese teen titilater. We have ghosts, gruesome deaths (mind you, too few), mystery, and an unlikely case solver...drenched in atmosphere, dark lighting, a strong string score, and capable cast. Okay. What's to hate? Not much. So what's to love? A keeping it consistant - not much either. Therefore, in conclusion, Mirrors attempts nothing else but to be a non-envelope pushing money generator...at least it succeeeded.

6/10

Martyrs In Still Motion

2009-03-08T01:14:00.007-05:00

Enjoy, you defiled fiends!

A pregnant woman and a man-gina are forced to leave the cinema and require medical assistance at Sitges 2008! Begins around 4:30.

Zombies Zombies Zombies [2008]

2009-02-26T19:07:00.005-05:00

If the title doesn't give away the important plot - a mad scientist, currently working on the all profit driven cure for cancer, instead winds up concocting super crack, with a nasty side effect..."may cause zombification", and no, that didn't come from the movie...that would have been too smart. It falls into the hands of a street walker supporter, who ends up losing the stash to the prosty. She turns into a zombie, and only the strippers of a nearby peeler can save the day! **yawn**

If you're going to catch a stripper zombie flick this year...make it this one - Zombie Strippers! - Zombies Zombies Zombies has zero appeal. How can it be, it's clearly not made by horror fans...just some filmmakers trying to get noticed in the industry; and maybe they'll get lucky. Ha!

I'm still trying to figure how they wanted this to work - it's not a comedy, it's not a gore film, and it's not the least bit scary...let me explain. Strippers aren't funny, they're usually ditsy, personalityless and are mostly only useful naked (so make that way more!). How can this be a gore film when the only good kill scenes are ripoffs **cough cough** chainsaw to the head - Darkness, The Vampire Version...and belly ripped open - Day of the Dead **cough cough** and the bloodiest scenes is just some highschool grade CGI. Or how can this be scary if the fimmakers aren't horror fans and have zero knowledge of what's scary. FUCK. And I was ALMOST not going to mention the Samuel L. Jackson clone who blurts out "I'm sick of these muthafuckin zombies, in this muthafuckin strip club"...

...fuck this movie...and fuck the filmmakers for getting my hopes up...and I want my fuckin' $20 back...

2/10

Gutterballs [2008]

2009-02-24T17:48:00.009-05:00

Gutterballs...has balls...some bare camel-toe, death by 69, bowling pin rape, and a few cocks thrown in for good measure - which one gets halved, post-mortem...just in case nothing else was surprisingly shocking. My inner depraved demon rejoices.

We begin at a bowling alley pulled straight from 80's slasher heaven, where a team of foul-mouthed popped collar wannabes take on a team of skanks, punks and a tranny. When a third team shows up conveniently during the forced strip search of the tranny - fights ensue, threats are made, and our story is well under way.

The alley owner breaks the fun up and sends everyone home - instructing them to return tomorrow to make up the game. Teams leave - or do they?!?! The lead skank returns to the alley moments later to find her left behind purse...the very same purse the minions of golf shirts are holding captive for when said skank returns! Dun, dun, dun. The next 12 minutes are uncomfortable, painful, and sloooooow - while the team gang rapes our victim...shades of Last House on the Left, House on the Edge of the Park and I Spit on your Grave.

Next day arrives, and the teams are back afterhours for the game - doors are chained shut, exits no where to be found, and a killer is locked-in with them! The next hour of so is just fuckin' fantastic. Everyone we hate, dies (inventively and brutally!), everyone we want to see naked, disrobes, and the laughable twist ending we hoped for, falls right into our chubby filled lap! Need I mention that our killer wheres bowling ball bag over his head?!?! HAHA Awesome.

If you love 80's slashers and can withstand 70's style exploitation, check this mutha OUT.

9/10

An Ear To The Blood Soaked Ground - [REC] 2 [2009]

2009-02-17T13:14:00.004-05:00

Brilliant Spanish fimmakers Jaume Balagueró and Paco Plaza are back again to bring the next installment of the shaky cam masterpiece, [REC] (2008). The second story begins where the first left off, and will even include lead hottie Manuela Velazco, don't get too excited - apparently it's only a cameo. Hints have lead us to believe we'll get more of the backstory this time around...

Pink Eye [2008]

2009-02-11T21:30:00.006-05:00

The potential was there...

Synopsis: Dr.'s and staff of a patient filled insane asylum use the crazies for radical medical testing. When their latest experiment goes horribly wrong and turns everyone into vehicles of revaging violence, the most dangerous victim of all escapes and wreaks havoc in a nearby town.

Review: See Pink Eye for the first 5 minutes alone - a young patient of an insane asylum tears into her face and gouges out her eyes with her own hands - oh, the glorious goodness of gore! From there on it's a downward spiral of WTF's and pieced together confusion...an edited nightmare. Sub-plots are unexplained, motivations are unclear and a dozen or so charaters should have been on the cutting room floor. Which seriously blows goats, Pink Eye was obviously helmed by a capable team...but an important ingredient must've been left out of the recipe....muff from the hair pie?!!? This micro-budget film is grimy and chock full of Savini-esque quality gore. And even our killer (a poor-man's Lecter) is enthralling, a rarity these days, and only outshined by Melissa Bacelar; who's a few scenes short of satisfactory. All in all Pink Eye's flawed but worth a peek.

6/10

Chill [2007]

2009-01-26T17:57:00.006-05:00

"Chill" - message from the makers of the film directed toward the many pissed off movie lovers who want their 88 minutes and few million brain cells back.

Synopsis: A research scientist dabbling in the art of "quackery" stumbles upon eternal life...fast forward 18 years and he's running a deli slash quickie mart and living in a refridgerated warehouse in the back of the building with a thrown together Leatherface wannabee assistant whom he sends to run the streets looking for hookers with nice skin (I guess customers 'round these parts pull out). Sam, a down on his luck unemployed writer, get's hired as the store's stock boy, and bangs Ashley Laurence (Hellraiser) who is currently being creepied to death by James Russo (Donnie Brasco). The story gets real good when Sam literally walks into some dead bodies and the proverbial cold shit hits the freezing fan...yes man...it's Chill.

Review: Why oh why do so many filmmakers hate Lovecraft so...or disrespect him enough to only spend the skank-change they've collected/begged for a street-week when trying to adapt one of his stories?!?! Chill is laughable. From the neverending eerie score through scenes without eer (?!?)...to the irrelevent dialogue, mundane acting and overall ineptitude...all lead to the one of the worst special effects finales made in film...ever! You've been warned...skip it.

2/10

Splinter [2008]

2009-01-17T00:54:00.005-05:00

The best creature feature of 2008...

Synopsis: Two wannabee campers are hijacked on a rural highway and held hostage by a felon on the run, and his sniffy mcneedleinarm girlfriend. When the vehicle of escape overheats the four are bunkered down in a gas station recently inhabited by a Goldblum-in-The-Fly-esque creature of unknown origin.

Review: Bend me over and call me Sandy, Splinter can give it to me any which she wants. Splinter is quite possibly the best American horror since...errrrr...fuck I don't know, since the last real good one. I could go on and on about all it's positives, but let me start and finish with what it DIDN'T have: No pointless power-tool/sharp-object-to-an-extremity torture, no gimme-a-raping-break, slit-my-wrists and feed-me-drano dialogue, no obvious trademark plotholes or inconsistancies, and quite possibly, no wasted minutes. Add it to your must see netflix queue...like right fuckin now.

9/10

Midnight Movie [2008]

2009-01-11T01:44:00.002-05:00

"Master of Horror-esque quality, just missing a master..."

Synopsis: A mash up of highschoolers, bikers, theatre employees, a cop and a Dr. take in a 1960's cult horror film written, directed and starring a psycho who can transport himself in and out of the movie through the simple power of fear...ooooooooooooo!

Review: A pretty good idea...but faulters at it's first steps in a new direction. Bad acting can be forgotten with the slightest dose of scares and a deplorable story can survive amidst some great kills...Midnight Movie doesn't offer either latters. How can one be fearful of a 5ft 9in 160lb killer weilding a Christmas tree corkscrew or be entertained by his yawn-enducing hole-punching slaughters!?!?! I think I'm about a dozen MTV-years over the speed limit on this road to ruin.

5/10

An Ear To The Blood Soaked Ground - The Thaw [2009]

2009-01-10T00:33:00.006-05:00

From the producers of the Canadian cult zomedy sensation, Fido (2007), comes the wintry tale of an infectious parasite exhumed from an ice excavation of a wooly mammoth. Hopefully, a better Larry Fessenden's The Last Winter (2006), starring everyone's favourite huckleberry, Val Kilmer, with possible The Thing (1982) undertones.

Dead In 3 Days [2006] aka In 3 Tagen Bist Du Tot

2009-01-04T16:28:00.009-05:00

"...I know what you did last summer...errr, winter...and not quite the last one"
Synopsis: This time...our five good looking teens are in Austria. After each receive a seemingly unalarming text message, "you'll be dead within 3 days", one goes missing and the rest will shortly find themselves in similar predicaments if they walk around at night in panties, water drips from numerous faucets, they try and solve the case themselves, cops laze around, or parents have no elderly influence whatsoever.

Review: A decent effort for a ripped-off, heavily cliched, mash-up of scenes from other horror films, but it's from Austria...so high five!?!??! Perhaps I would've enjoyed it more if I wasn't constantly clenching my fists in rage at my inability to rip out the offcenter post-chin piercing of non-hot lead actor Sabrina Reiter...looking forward to DI3D 2 skank! The most enjoyable character was killed first (a big no-no in horror), the "angry bitch" didn't get what was coming to her, and who deserves to get killed right after bending over to save a snapper?!?!? Albeit, the aquarium kill was deeeee-licious! Saving grace award goes to some excellent cinematography by
David Slama. NEEEEEEEEEEEEEXT.

5/10

Cold Prey [2006] aka Fritt Vilt

2009-01-04T01:56:00.005-05:00

"...fuck if I know why this one isn't a strip of ass-jam."

Synopsis: Yep, another group of 20-somethings once again venture into the great outdoors for some carefree fun and merriment, until a deranged psycho, with a dispensable backstory, aims to spoil the mood by offing them indivually using a signature weapon with high fright appeal!

Review: Cold Prey succeeds by maintaining a perfectly balanced core and limiting it's attempts to stray from tried and true methodologies. If I not mistaken, Cold Prey's only originality is it's Norwegian origin. It's a slasher without gore or bodycount, it's a thriller without being overly frightening. The strong cast build likeable characters, shot in a cold and claustrophobic setting, and came out well polished and tightly constructed. Would've loved to have seen some Scandanavian nudity, a couple good kills or and at least one envelope pushed.

6/10

Rahtree: Flower of the Night [2003] aka Buppha Rahtree

2009-01-03T00:06:00.007-05:00

An homage to The Exorcist? "Here you are Bill...a steaming bowl of ass droppings I tribute...to you."
Synopsis: Yet another young asian woman find herself meeting a tragic death, but this time our victim decides to haunt the living until her vengeance is complete!

Review: CRAAAAAAAAP. Not even worth a review, however, I'm feelin' generous and kind, so consider this ya lucky day...stay away from Rahtree. It's first third is an interesting boy stalks girl, boy fucks girl, boy fucks over girl and girl dies from excessive bleeding from the vag plot...over a dreary score...with effective dark tones and emotions to write home about. Then someone shits the bed and the next hour's nothing more than a few dozen Thai-nese running, screaming and flailing their arms in the air beacause a girl with bad make-up keeps appearing and not killing anyone. Who funds this shit? Maybe dump some of that financing coin into the country's rice industry and the world can stop worrying about the shortage. So said boy returns and we finally get our now-who-fuckin-cares-about revenge and the world is a better place again...but the cliches continues...so is it?!?!

4/10

100 Tears [2007]

2009-01-02T12:35:00.011-05:00

"...see it just for the kneeless midget chase through the woods!"
Synopsis: Two tabloid reporters, looking for a career boosting story, find themselves on the bloody trail of the merciless carny clown and his huge, and I mean HUGE, meat cleaver.

Review: 100 Tears has been on my radar since it's gory trailer showed up at Terrorfeed.com almost 2 years ago. The acting and dialogue looked amateur, it's kills looked over-the-top and hardgore...and it couldn't have been more spot-on. The body count is stupid ridiculous and get's rollin' with the slaughter of an entire half-way house in only it's first few minutes...consider my appetite for morte dans la cinema aptly satisfied. Our clown killer is hulking, menacing and ruthless...think Capt. Spaulding without a sense of humour. Running time is short, leaving the tossed-together detective story and painful dialogue sub-scenes bearable. I can't help but think of Intruder (1989) as a quick comparable. All in all...a must-see for any self-respecting gorehound.

8/10

13 Tzameti [2005]

2008-12-13T15:29:00.013-05:00

"In the vien of Clerks, Following and Man Bites Dog...13 Tzameti is no less than black and white gold."

Synopsis: Sebastien, a young man looking for an alternative payment method after his employer overdoses and dies, steals an envelope with mysterious instructions from the man after he overhears it's possibility to lead to great fortune. Sebastien is led into a dark and heartless world of immorality and death.

Review: 13 Tzameti is yet another example of what's missing in cine-America: originality, independance, and stylistic moulding. It's base is solidly film-noir, only without the attractive and devious femme fatale, it's structure is slow and painful, and it's execution is armchair-gripping, uncomfortable and marvellous to watch.

9/10

The Strangers [2008]

2008-12-08T21:16:00.006-05:00

"...livin' it up when I'm goin' doooooooooown"

Synopsis: Liv Tyler and **unimportant co-star** have a oscar nodded rocky-road-relationship with little-discussion argument interrupted by a few kids, grounded from their ipods and PS3's, with knife-murdering on their minds!

Review: An actual surprise! Now...not so much a hoof to the balls whilst-asleep surprise, more so a hot wife cheats on a rich husband with a pre-nupt kind of surprise...say wha!?!? Strangers is tightly-contructed, easily-sat-through and straight-as-an-arrow. Jump scares...check. Short runtime...check. Non-ditz hottie...check. Killers in masks...check. Ok fellas...call ur girl over...it's date movie night!

7/10

An Ear To The Blood Soaked Ground - 100 Tears [2007]

2008-11-26T15:45:00.002-05:00

Gotta fuckin' LOVE killer clowns...and this one looks like the biggest gore-luvin' of them all...

...it's limited screenings have been quiet and unrippling in the film world...1 DVD release in Germany so far, it's US release should be out by the end of the year...until then, enjoy the tasty trailer!

An Ear To The Blood Soaked Ground - Black Dynamite [2008]

2008-11-26T09:01:00.006-05:00

Perhaps what Grindhouse should have been...Black Dynamite looks to rule so much 70's throwback exploitation ass...ya dig?

I'm guessing gratuitous nudity, senseless violence, fabricated vengeance plot and total balls out man fun (errr without any homophobic connotations). One can't help seeing the resemblance to the ultra-ass-kicking-Chilean-martials-arts-exposee Mirage Man [2007], another definate must-see. World premier at the Sundance Film Festival in January 2009.

Shrooms [2006]

2008-11-23T13:32:00.003-05:00

"Don't do drugs...holy fuck, that cop that visited our school was right!!!"

Synopsis: Five Americans meet an Irish lad (who's NOT her boyfriend) for a planned trip into the Celtic backwoods for a weekend of drugs and good times. Unfortunately, they camp too close to an abandoned all-boys school ran by sadistic priests that hold a tragic history of abuse and murder.

Review: Yet again, more kids go camping in the woods, but this time, they take even more stereotypes and pack enough cliches to last an entire weekend - how can anyone screw that up?!?! With a muscled jock sportin' less mass than Mary-Kate on a crack binge, a stoner pulled from the Jay (& Silent Bob) knockoff assembly line (now with 50% more hippyage!), more j-horror-typical ghosty-shots than a Ju-On/Ringu marathon, and sans du nakit prancin' yankee cooch with chest-eggs exposed. How distasteful. If it wasn't for the absolutely beautiful Irish shot locations or the equally elegant Maya Hazen and Alice Greczyn, Shrooms would be completely pointless, unless you've taken said title. Not so recommended.

4/10

Wilderness [2006]

2008-11-16T12:25:00.003-05:00

"Predator meets Lord of the Flies..."

Synopsis: A group of young criminals are sent to a deserted island (or so they think...oooo) to rough it out as punishment for driving a fellow offender to commit suicide. It doesn't take long before the group begins to be hunted down by a mysterious figure and it's pack of killer dogs.

Review: This all-to-often-seen "troubled teens in the woods" surprisingly escapes the mould and turns an entertaining, dark and visceral gory slasher survival, shot over a well-utilized and captivating landscape. The slowly developed storyline will lose some viewers, but once the first drop of blood is spilt, more bleedings will follow...quickly and repeatedly. All deaths aside, the level of realism is what's most important here - a coin-flip of contentment so to speak. There really isn't a likeable or cheerable character - which is more realistic but less interesting. All in all, a decent UK horror/thriller.

7/10

The Midnight Meat Train [2008]

2008-11-13T17:52:00.004-05:00

"A gory fuckin' mess...and a bloody good time..."

Synopsis: Leon is an urban city photographer who stumbles upon the trail of a serial killer in the depths of the subway system. When local law enforcement shrug aside his findings, the mystery consumes him and leads him to face the killer head-on.

Review: I'm just effin' happy I finally got to see Clive Barker's Midnight Meat Train - after plans of a wide-spread release turned to direct-to-video turned to limited release turned to a complete fuckin' mystery - and now I'm pretty stoked to say it didn't disappoint. Ya, there is too much CGI, the ending (although true the short story) is a priceless WTF moment, Quinton "Rampage" Jackson makes a "citizen's arrest" cameo and Brooke Shields still isn't hot...but I couldn't help but dig it. The blood glubs and the gore pours...faces get smashed and then smashed again...Leslie Bibb is smokin' hot...devoid of any brain-dead WB teens...and Bradley Cooper isn't as annoying as I remembered. And do I even need to mention a crazy decap shot where the camera rolls with the head, sees it's own twitching and blood-spurting torso, then reflecting back to the still blinking eye on the head...awesome! The photography is incredible...the cold and chilling blues and greys of the subway scenes and the stale reds and burnt oranges of the "happy" scenes succesfully created the desired tone and mood. Sure it aint no Hellraiser, but this one should satisfy any Clive Barker fan.

8/10

Treevenge [2008] Short

2008-11-11T11:23:00.000-05:00

"Yeah, Jonathan Torrens from "Trailer Park Boys" and "Jonavision" muthafuckas!!!"

Synopsis: After enduring decades of being sawed, dragged out of their homes, screwed by a stand and embarrassingly decorated - it's finally the time of Christmas tree retribution - Treevenge!

Review: An absolutely incredible short, written and directed by Jason Eisener, the creator of the SXSW Grindhouse contest winning short - Hobo With A Shotgun. I doubt a short has ever been as gory (not even Aftermath) or as hilarious - and I have yet to see one as entertaining. With it's Ewok-style Christmas tree dialogue, kickass 70's-esque score and no limits to the gory depravity, Treevenge is an anomaly in a sea of boring metaphoric shorts. I don't know if we'll ever see on a DVD but it would be a travesty if it wasn't. I can only hope we'll see this breath-of-fresh-air filmmaker get big-budget backing to create a feature length horror.

10/10

Eden Lake [2008]

2008-11-10T12:55:00.000-05:00

"I'm gonna get me some revenge (if it's the last thing I do)..."

Synopsis: A young couple vacationing for the weekend at a flooded quarry run into a wiggity wiggigty wacked out group of teen thugs front-en' like you woodaint belief... hollaaaaah! The playa hata boyfriend accidently 187's the whigga crews crunked out rottie and all hell breaks loose.

Review: Eden Lake is quite good...until the final scenes which will either make it brilliant or shass (the seldomly used power combo of shit 'n ass). Our protagonists are innocent, interesting and compelling; our teen-age antogonists aptly opposing - cruel, offensive and fearless. It's solidly produced, directed and acted; and that's where the applause stops. A young couple in trouble (boooo) in the woods (come on) who get tortured (gimme a break) then seek revenge (oh fuck off!). Followed by a predictable, doubtful and uninspiring "twist ending". But like I said - some will really eat this shit up.

6/10

COMING SOON!!

2008-11-08T00:34:00.000-05:00

I've been watching a ridiculous amount of movies recently so I apologize for not being to update the page...but stay tuned for the following choice reviews:

Mutant Chronicles

Red

I Sell The Dead

Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer

Treevenge

Trailer Park of Terror

Midnight Meat Train

Netherbeast Incorporated

Donkey Punch [2008]

2008-10-24T13:37:00.001-04:00

"Could it have been more successful named Dirty Sanchez, Rusty Trombone or Cleveland Steamer?"

Synopsis: Three hot hoochies from the UK travel to Spain where they meet a group sailors with a yaught to party on. When one of the tarts is killed during the aptly named sex act, blame is assigned, plots are devised, and more death is inevitable.

Review: Donkey Punch is devoid of any original merit, creative thought, or vested artistic touch; but who the fuck needs all that when you have yayo, death by outboard motor and possibly some rear entry!??! NC-17? Yes, please. Donkey Punch, a blend of Dead Calm and Very Bad Things, is solid. The cast is young and attractive, without being retarded and boring (like most U.S. features of similar stature), and give strong performances until they're violently and entertainingly killed off. The story could be quite real and is mostly relatable - a principal key to it's success.

7/10

Repo! The Genetic Opera [2008]

2008-10-23T13:55:00.000-04:00

"A whole lotta singin'...but I can't understand shit..."

Synopsis: An industrialized future where a worldwide epidemic of organ failure gives birth to a company that genetically grows replacement organs for sale or finance. But don't miss a payment, otherwise you'll meet the Repo-Man to repossess it's property.

Review: Surely Repo! will become the Rocky Horror Picture Show of the either sulkin'-or-cryin' Emo era (generation xy, if we're still alphabetically naming our posterity); but God I hate fuckin' musicals. Bill Moseley is irratating, Paris Hilton doesn't die, Paul Sorvino can't fuckin' sing, Alexa Vega plays either Shiloh, Shallow or Shadow (I'm not convinced it's just one), and Anthony Head should keep his acting to TV. All I wanted was enough time in between rock anthems to decypher what the hell they were saying before they rev up for another number. Grrr. It's useless. Can someone please come and repossess my eyes and ears before I shoot myself.

3/10

Dance of the Dead [2008]

2008-10-23T02:38:00.000-04:00

"Sure...zombies catapulting out of their graves is cool...buuuuut..."

Synopsis: Toxic gas from a nearby power plant awaken the dead, who run rampant through a small town on the night of it's high school's prom.

Review: I have no idea what the fuck online reviewers are smoking...maybe it's the same chemical laden odor of the power plant that gave rise to the zombie in this dung-heap of a film. 8/10? 9/10? 10/10? are you fucking' kidding me?!?!? Perhaps they're are all just grinning ear-to-ear like a retard from blowing eachother or happy having not to conjur up their own opinions and thoughts. This is just a shit stain of a movie. Since when could zombies drive, make out with other zombies, or become hypnotized by emo screamo? Sure it's original, but it's far from clever or inventive. There's no point, and no need. Not to mention rip offs from Evil Dead 2 (severed hand gag) , Night of the Living Dead (attack on car at a cemetery), Return of the Living Dead (Braaaaains) and Day of the Dead (Rhodes getting torn apart by a zombie mob). And this is coming from a pretty big Gregg Bishop fan (The Other Side kicked so much ass)! Maybe I need to be a teenager again to find any of the one-liners funny, or be a nerd to find any characters likeable, or be forgetful and lose every horror I've ever seen to find the gore impressive...but I'm not, I'm not, and I can't.

4/10

4bia [2008]

2008-10-23T00:22:00.000-04:00

"A mixed-bag of Asian horror...unoriginal, yet effective and satisfying."

Synopsis: A 4-part anthology from Thai directors Youngyooth Thongkonthun, Paween Purikitpanya, Banjong Pisanthanakun and Parkpoom Wongpoom. "Happiness" - A young woman is cooped up in her apartment due to a broken leg, when she becomes increasingly interested in a mysterious text messager. When the messages become more and more aggressive - fear, panic and horror ensues. "Tit For Tat" - A young boy is relentlessly bullied by a group of schoolmates to to the point that ultimate retaliation is his only option. "In The Middle" - Four teenagers embark on a trip of camping and white water rafting. When one of the boys goes missing after a down river accident, the boys must cope with the loss of a friend and the neverending fear created by themselves. "The Last Fright" - A flight attendent is summoned to escort a single passenger from A to B, and then back again. The only catch is the passenger has a personal vendetta with the flight attendant and won't stop her vengeful plot, not even when she dies before the return flight.

Review: "Happiness" is ultimately an unoriginal formulaic technological-device jump-scare film with few redeeming qualities; however, it's short runtime, basic yet tight construction and compressed nature make it successful. There is little time to breathe or to pick apart it's flaws before it's over - concluding with it's predictable twist ending. The tried and true methods have worked before and work again here. "Tit For Tat" is pretty f'n weak. From it's thrown together plot, piss-poor non-frightening CGI, and only a couple of redeeming scenes, it's easily the bad beer of the case. "In The Middle" could quite easily be the funniest movie I have ever seen in a theatre. In The Middle is cleverly written and hilariously acted by it's incredibly animated cast of misfits. It mocks the genre, mocks it's continent of original and even mocks itself. "The Last Fright" takes off where Happiness was left. The story has shades of The Twilight Zone, and uses the same aforementioned jump-scare tactics used so often in Asian horror cinema. A fun and frightening finale to the efforts from an ensemble of young Thai horror directors, that we haven't heard the last of I'm sure.

7/10

End of the Line [2006]

2008-10-22T18:02:00.000-04:00

"If nothing more, a valiant Canadian effort"

Synopsis: On her way home from work, Karen, a pysche-ward nurse, is aboard the last subway of the night when it suddenly stops, and a band of fanatic religious extremists begin a slaughtering rampage on any non-converted non-conformist. Karen, and a group of survivors, must escape the crucifix-dagger weilding killers and the cold dark depths of the underground tunnels.

Review: It's not often that I'm completely torn between opposite ends of the crap-gold spectrum, but End of the Line has me in this piss-off of a predicament. It's beginning is not unlike recent efforts in asian-horror, an opening jump scare, a gruesome death, haunting images of the supernatural, a heavy stringed score, and a dark and atmospheric setting. Awesome! The successful formula hasn't been used so effectively in North American cinema since What Lies Beneath?. It isn't long after this mood has set in before Quebecois writer/director Maurice Deveraux says "Faaack...YOU" and 180's the story into a stalk and slash tale of radical bible thumpers gone wild (but only if your married). Which I would have minded a lot more if he didn't deserve leaping high-fives and praisful good-job butt-pats for some brilliant gore and brutal violence - including a de-cap to esteem-at and a ma and pa kodak moment with their unborn fetus...the depraved shall rejoice! Keep it mind, that this doesn't save the story. The implausible degree of chaos in the world above and beyond the tunnels loses most of the believability of the plot, and therefore it's "what if..." effectiveness. When all is said and done, the film then double backs to it's opening origins and attempts to provide an underlying meaning for what we've just experienced. I'll leave it's level of achievement for you to decide.

7/10

Brain Dead [2007]

2008-10-22T13:35:00.000-04:00

"In the decade of remakes...this familiar title, however, is not (and can I say unfortunately?)."

Synopsis: A group of mostly young Americans take shelter in a run-down fishing lodge when they are terrorized by a slug-like alien amoeba that takes over it's human host by living in and slowly devouring their brains, vommiting on others to spread the infection, creating more mutant zombie-like monsters.

Review: This fun and gory rollercoaster is quite the ride, albeit a not too unfamiliar one. Camouflaged by one-line zingers and heavy chested beauties all too eager to show off their bountiful boosoms, it's borderline ripoff (Slither), but notwithstanding entertaining and satisfying. Many recent horrors have called themselves "throwbacks" or "old school" (Hatchet), but never got the formula right - Brain Dead is pulled straight from the 80's recipe book and was baked to tasty goodness. The gore is truly 80's style, exploding deaths, bodily fluids gushing galour, and need I say - no death-by-CGI (unless absolutely necessary). Add in a few jump scare moments, a snapper shot, lesbian skinny dipping, and total unorginality...makes it a must-see for cheese lovers, but should be avoided at all costs by anyone seeking breaths of fresh air or intellect on any level.

7/10

Let The Right One In [2008] Låt den rätte komma in

2008-10-17T23:47:00.000-04:00

"...fence-sitting between the yards of brilliant and remarkable..."

Synopsis: Oskar, a shy and bullied boy finds friendship and reliance in Eli, a vampire whom he meets in his apartment courtyard.

Review: Let The Right One In...fence-sitting between the yards of brilliant and remarkable...may just be a perfect horror movie - if I may be so bold to actually place it into a single genre - transcending itself above and beyond any recent effort I can think of - including the visceral Inside, the shocking Martyrs, and the frightening [REC]. But how it manage to do it, is what's most impressive. Child actors, astory true-to-the-myth yet original, implied violence, no off-the-wall special effects or crafty editing, a love story with coming-of-age undertones and an almost put-a-gun-to-my-head drawnout pacing are only a handful of the hurdles director Tomas Alfredson and writer John Ajvide Lindqvist overcame effortlessly. And not unlike [REC], it brilliantly leaves so many questions left unanswered, an unfortunately underutilized technique, to keep it stained on your brain for days, however Let The Right One In even manages to do this seemlessly. Let The Right One In is chilling, dark and stylish. The Leon-esque characters, 30 Days of Night setting and Stand By Me realism keep you captivated. It ever forward marches; on a solemn path of loneliness and meloncholy, and it is on this relatable ground, we all walk together.

10/10

13: Game of Death [2006]

2008-09-15T19:16:00.000-04:00

"An interesting attempt from an uninteresting cinematic country in an already diluted genre..."

Synopsis: Pusit is in the shits; having just lost his job, his girl, his car and is neck deep in debt. All his luck seems to change when a game show calls offering big money for relatively simple tasks, but when the challenges become more and more severe, dangerous and all too familiar, his world spins out of control and he may just lose everything he had left.

Review: I don't want to spend too much time on this one, even though it did have some redeeming qualities. 13 is chalk full of plotholes, dull characters, uninventive shock moments and the all too notorious "we just picked you randomly" (so it could happen to anyone) motiveless storyline. The pacing was good and was co-anchored by the almost spot-on comedic timing...the children's daycare scene was HILARIOUS! If you have an hour 1/2 to kill, giv'er a whirl, just don't expect too much and everyone will get home safely.

5/10

Martyrs [2008]

2008-09-12T18:19:00.001-04:00

"Erotica is not porn, and Martyrs is not torture porn."

Synopsis: Lucie, a young woman subjected to an arduous childhood of pain and suffering, returns to the home of the family who abused her with on revenge on her mind. Her vengeful outing leads her to her fate, and her best friend and consoler into the life of which she escaped from.

Review: Martyrs is undeniably brilliant. It has haunted me for days and I still can't shake the thoughts and emotions ingrained in my head for long enough to write an in depth review. Martyrs is really two films in one, both unmistakenly different. The first half is a high-paced, emotionally charged, kill-fest that packs a fuckin' punch like you wouldn't believe. The second half is an emotionally draining and mind numbing slowed-down transcendant trek of tortuous abuse that leads to an almost unwatchable ending. At parts it's scarier than [REC], more brutal than Inside and grotesquely more beautiful than Aftermath. I've seen this film make viewers cower in their seat, vomit at their feet and remain speechless and motionless for minutes. It's an experience. It's a masterpiece. It's unforgetable.

10/10

Zibahkhana [2007] aka Hell's Ground

2008-09-07T00:50:00.000-04:00

"He's a shit sweeper's son, and always will be!"

Synopsis: Five Pakistani youths set forth, unbenounced to their parents, on a road trip with a concert as their destination. En route the group is diverted off course and end up smack dab in the middle of a infectuous outbreak of zombie-like flesh-eaters and a family of ritualistic killers.

Review: What was marketed as "Pakistan's first gore film" hopefully won't be it's last, but I'm praying it's Omar ali Khan's last. Hell's Ground is a mess. The story layout is confusing as Hell; the first third plays out like a comedy, which rolls into a environmental subtexted zombie reel in the middle third and the final sequence showcases a killer-family slasher survival led by a sheet-wearing spikey-ball twirler. I'm befuddled. The frame-to-frame inconsistancies, cycled screen shots, piss poor sound effects and homages that seemed more blantant ripoffs were laughable. The shameless Mondo Macabro plug and Rehan cameo, however, I did love! The cast was decent, as to was the dialogue between them...confusing as the half English half Urdu was. A disappointment at best.

4/10

p.s. - If you can clearly hear your attacker breathing, he's more times than not, not dead. Holy fuck.

Calvaire [2004] aka The Ordeal

2008-09-06T18:16:00.001-04:00

"Fuck chocolate, Belgium needs to give us more Du Welz!"

Synopsis: A pseudo lounge singer's trip to his next gig is interrupted when his transportation breaks down. With the help of a passer-by he finds a nearby inn owned by an all-too-friendly fellow artist whom offers room and board...it isn't long before he finds out the ins and outs of the inn (ya, that's right!).

Review: Fabrice Du Welz' debut film is a stellar outing in the disturbing and creepy bowls of shock horror, Calvaire is unsettling and uncomfortable from the get go, and never lets up on the reigns of distress and suffering. With obvious nods to many of horror's elite, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Misery, Delieverance and Psycho, Calvaire is as unique as it is homaging. It's almost unparalelled originality formulates from it's stunning cinematography, bold performances , and sets and locations so dismal they put the "grotesque" back in "holyfuckisitevergrotesque". Calvaire simmers in the cooking and not in the feast...and demands we all stick out or tongues to have a taste, no matter who much it will burn.

8/10

Arang [2006]

2008-09-05T22:35:00.001-04:00

"I've got a "ju-on" to pick..."

Synopsis: A detective and her new forensics specialist partner are on the hunt to find the killer of 4 friends with a murderous past. Is it another long-black-haired teen back from the dead to avenge her death or perhaps a different killer with a "ju-on" to pick?

Review: A monotonous uneventful outing to an over cliched genre...the long-black-haired ghost with a grudge...yet somehow writer/director Sang-hoon Ahn believed he could reinvent the wheel with an added detective twist to the story...a swing and a miss! The spills were few and far between and the thrills were non-existant. By the time the banal final twist was thrown at me the dismal score had me dozing, the acting had me "who cares"-ing, and Asia has me running to France! Skip it.

3/10

Fragile [2005]

2008-09-02T02:03:00.000-04:00

Synopsis: A nurse is hired to work the final few nights at a hospital for children before the patients are moved to new hospital.

Review: Fragile (Frágiles) is a simple yet effective ghost story not uncommon with the dozens of recent Japanese horrors. Perhaps too overconfident, the film faulters. It lacks the frightful jumps of it's J-horror relatives and the final shocking twist. It's upside is it's capable cast and strong editing, both of which will keep you seated and your hand away from the remote. Although not worth seeking out, it may be a decent flick to find on TV when nothing else is on.

6/10

Eden Log [2007]

2008-09-01T23:19:00.002-04:00

"Cube-esque..."

Synopsis: A man awakes in the underworld without memory or clothing. As he makes his way through the labyrinthian network truths and dangers are revealed, both equally frightening.

Review: Eden Log is yet another masterpiece to emerge from France, and will comfortably accompany the likes of Saint Ange, Ils, À l'intérieur, Frontieres and Haute Tension. Not surprisingly, as first time director Franck Vestiel sat assistant director on two of the five films (Ils and Saint Ange). As the torch has now been unequivocably passed from Japan to France, it seems as though "chef-d'oeuvre" after "chef-d'oeuvre" are being churned out; each is unmistakenly different, exploring new realms of horror and taking untrodden paths to reach it. Eden Log is a surreal oasis of dark mystery, enigmatic atmosphere and perilous intrigue. The story unfolds slowly, yet effortlessly, we are taken on the same journey as our protagonist and we only learn what he learns; this will either attract or detract the viewer. It's upsides are it's downsides. For viewers, not unlike our protagonist, that can sustain the oddysey, will reach a conclusion that provides the answers we seek...and subsequently more questions to ask.

9/10

Rogue [2007]

2008-08-29T16:11:00.001-04:00

"Move along...nothing to see here"

Synopsis: An American travel journalist partakes in an Australian outback river tour to voyeur the crocodile in it's native habitat. When the trip takes an unplanned detour the boat and it's passengers come face to face with the largest and most fierce man-eating croc the tour has ever seen.

Review: Greg Mclean's follow-up to the arguably triumphant and successful debut, Wolf Creek, has more misses than hits and can easily be described has a significant and utter failure. The first third is a wasted effort of scenic landscape shots, character development, and storyline buildups; none of which have bearingin later thirds. The viewer is told that the crocs can hunt intelligently, propel their entire bodies straight out of the water using their powerful tails, and will rip you to shreds if unable to swallow you whole...none of which happened. The dark and murky night scenes was shot beautifully but used little to no underwater shots, a successful trademark in any water creature features. I can only assume that Mclean was trying to demonstrate he had real filmmaking skills, the postcard shots and the strange u-turn character driven finale, but both will be lost in translation.

5/10

Stuck [2007]

2008-08-24T23:41:00.000-04:00

"...emotional and survivalistic, humorous and disturbing, a recipe for the uncomfortable pleasure we all love."

Synopsis: A young woman heads home after a drug-popping liquor-filled night at the club and en route introduces her windshield to a recently bad-luck stricken down and outer. Instead of taking him to the hospital (where she works) she chooses to leave him (and the car he's attached to) in her garage to bleed out. Cue the shit to hit the fan.

Review: Far from Gordon's best, far from original ("The Hitchhiker" from Creepshow 2), far from perfect, but not far off my favourites of '07 list. Stuart Gordon once again proves why is considered a "Master of Horror". Gordon pulls the best out of his actors, which allows the film to be sturdily placed upon their shoulders, and makes the most of a simple script, by making the situation as real and relatable as possible. The film does not drag and fits tightly into a perfect running time. This is a must for any situation film, a rule, nowadays, that is rarely followed. The tones are very emotional and survivalistic, humorous and disturbing, a recipe for the uncomfortable pleasure we all love. Highly recommended.

8/10

The Other Side [2006]

2008-08-04T16:01:00.000-04:00

"The Other Side leaves no detail unattended, no shot unexplored, no plotline untravelled, and no viewer unentertained."

Synopsis: Sam North is dragically murdered and sent to hell where he escapes the clutches of Hades' tight hold and returns to the world of the living. He and other escapees must elude three reapers attempts at returning them to "The Pit" all the while solving the mystery of his missing fiancee.

Review: A brilliant no-budget product of a determined and talented young newcomer, writer/director/editor Gregg Bishop. A cross between The Matrix and Constantine, The Other Side is a high impact and exuberant energy filled outing that proves that there's hope and life left in the stagnant U.S. independant filmmaking scene. From start to finish we're treated with refreshingly witty humour, buckets-of-blood and exploding gun-shot-wounds, well-written plot-twists and an unknown, inexpericenced, yet capable, acting. The Other Side leaves no detail unattended, no shot unexplored, no plotline untravelled, and no viewer unentertained.

9/10

Jack Ketchum's The Girl Next Door [2007]

2008-07-29T19:42:00.000-04:00

Synopsis: Based on the true story of the death of teenager Sylvia Likens who was murdered by her caregiver and caregiver's children. Meg Loughlin and her younger sister Susan are left to live with their abusive Aunt and cousins after the tragic death of her parents. It is not long before Meg is the center of verbal and subsequent horrific physical abusive which leads to her slow three month long death.

Review: This movie is NOT for the weak. Imagine if the dungeon scenes from Hostel were real, and Eli Roth decided to take you into the realm of a factual torturous death, with more shocking implied horror than effects laden exhibitions; this is what director Gregory Wilson has done with Jack Ketchum's novel of the same name. Not all the facts are real, however, the abuse and conclusion are. Wilson does not shy away from creating uneasiness and discomfort for the viewer, he forces us into the world of the movie and obliges us to feel her pain. Fantastic performances were given from the entire cast, fronted by lead actress Blythe Auffarth who blew me away with her role of Meg. Highly recommended for genre lovers with strong stomachs.

9/10

Frontieres [2007]

2008-07-29T19:31:00.000-04:00

Synopsis: A group of hooligan rioters flee Paris, make a convenient but unfortunate stopover at a rural motel en route to Holland, as it is run by an in bred family of neo-fascist nazis.

Review: Somewhat of a mish mash pot of horror: 3 cups Texas Chainsaw Massacre, 2 cups Hostel, an ounce of Wolf Creek, a pinch of The Descent, bring to a boil and let simmer. This hearty meal is one grotesque, defiled and immoral stew, only to be savoured by the depraved movie goer. Although not without flaws (unoriginal story, cliche torture scenes), it's put together rather well. A balance of sturdy actors, ridiculous death scenes, a wild score, and an unaccustomed story will keep most viewers in their seat. By far not the best French slasher to come out recently, but much better than most of the U.S. produced garbage of late!

8/10

WΔZ [2007] aka The Killing Gene

2008-07-28T12:06:00.000-04:00

"Saw meets Se7en?"

Synopsis: A creative, vengeful serial killer forces his victims to choose between taking the life of a loved one or their own.

Review: Critics have described this UK thriller as "Saw meets Se7en". I wouldn't be too quick to throw comparisons of the brilliant Saw or the masterpiece Se7en, however...their similar tones, stories and polished production might just be able to justify it. Stellan Skarsgård (Ronin) gives a fabulous performance as the mysterious Eddie Argo, a detective assigned to solve the shocking and scientific killings of local hoodlums and their loved ones. This dark film is paced quite well, which allows the story to unfold methodically all the way to its fantastic twist ending that comes completely out of left field. It's weaknesses are few and far between, but a standout minus goes to the inconsistant (rookie?) detective Helen Westcott (Melissa George), who can not properly balance her Skarsgård protagonist counterpart. Recommended to all dark crime thriller lovers.

7/10

The Mist [2007]

2008-07-28T10:31:00.001-04:00

"The hype ruined it for me."

Synopsis: A large group of locals and non-locals of a small town are held hostage in a grocery store by a mysterious mist.

Review: It has taken me awhile to finally get around to seeing this Stephen King adaptation. What I had heard was "an incredible blockbuster", "the best King adaptation yet", and "one of the best endings to a horror movie". And when that "ending" finally happened, I didn't realize it until the credits rolled, and I felt confused and alone like a hooker with a sale on. "That's it!?!?", I screamed. The hype ruined it for me. Perhaps I needed to be an ignorant movie goer or a horror newbie. The surprise finale was neither unpredictable nor shocking, and was completely inconsistant compared to the characters previous actions and decisions. The middle third was irratatingly religious. Suspense and terror was nowhere to be found. Had I been on of the first to see this, perhaps my feelings would be different, but I wasn't so they're not.

6/10

The Last Winter [2006]

2008-07-27T18:59:00.000-04:00

"Sierra Alpha Yankee, Whiskey Hotel Alpha Tango!?!?!?"

Synopsis: In the great white tundra of the north, a group of oil drilling experts, accompanied by two operational scientists, are challenged by the effect of global warming and their quest for the much coveted natural resource.

Review: Things I learned from The Last Winter: Global warming will release giant caribou ghosts with a taste for blood from the frozen glaciers, walking nude into the icy abyss will result in my eyes being plucked out by crows, Ron Perlman wets his bed, sour gas will make us all crazy, and drinking doesn't help to battle hypothermia. What could have been an atmospheric, claustrophobic, and chilling psychological thriller, is sadly over complicated, over time and ironically, over everyone's head. The performances were strong enough, but the characters were developed to go nowhere...like the story.

4/10

Funny Games [2007]

2008-07-26T00:05:00.001-04:00

"Funny Games... manipulates, force feeds, and drags the audience on a short leash with a strong grip."

Synopsis: Two young sociopathic killers enter and exit the lives of an innocent family vacationing at their lake-front cottage.

Review: Funny Games, a shot-for-shot remake of the 1997 film of the same title and director, manipulates, force feeds, and drags the audience on a short leash with a strong grip. Michael Haneke should be commended for taken the reigns on the remake inevidibility, and in this second effort, admirably, neither dumbs-down or over-simplifies his risky and controversial objectives deeply lined in his first triumph. Each and every visceral, disturbing, confusing, and substantive shot, dialogue, and scene is maintained and preserved. The script is undeniably engaging, uncomfortably hypnoptic and sadistically voyeur. Each and every performance is painstakingly real and brilliant, principally Michael Pitt, as "Paul", who arguably outperforms Funny Games' original, Arno Frisch. This film is still hard to watch, still difficult to digest, and still impossible to decipher.

9/10

FEARFINDER

Apology & Jess Franco's Brilliance

I Spit On Your Corpse, I Piss On Your Grave [2001] - Eric Stanze Week

Finder's Keepers

Scrapbook [2000] - Eric Stanze Week

Lookin' A-head: Like Medieval Execution Crowds

Paranormal Entity [2009]

New Photos For Jess Franco's Paula-Paula

New Jess Franco Movie Up For Pre-Sale!

The Psychiatric (a)Wards

In My Skin [2002]

AWOL A-Hole

Thirst [2009]

Acolytes [2008]

Baby Blues [2008]

Treevenge [2008, Jason Eisener]

Black XXX-Mas [1999, Pieter Van Hees]

Linkeroever [2008] aka Left Bank

Grace [2009] A Ripoff?

Grace [2009]

Rated But Not Reviewed - The Sequel

Rated But Not Reviewed

FearFinder Update

An Ear To The Blood Soaked Ground - The Human Centipede [2009]

Deadgirl [2008]

Neighborhood Watch [2005]

Cthulhu [2007]

Offspring [2009]

Trick 'r Treat [2008]

Antichrist [2009]

Teeth [2007]

Feast [2005]

The Lost [2006]

An Ear To The Blood Soaked Ground - Hypertrophy Genital Girls [2009]

Surveillance [2008]

Spiral [2007]

Red [2008]

May [2002]

Blood Car [2007]

Rovdyr aka Manhunt [2008]

Drag Me To Hell [2009]

Sauna [2008]

The Haunting In Connecticut [2009]

Home Movie [2008]

Dead Snow [2009]

Timecrimes [2007]

Vinyan [2008]

Outpost [2008]

An Ear To The Blood Soaked Ground - What's In The Box? [20XX?]

The Burrowers [2008]

Bad Biology [2008]

100 Feet [2008]

The Living and The Dead [2006]

An Ear To The Blood Soaked Ground - Offspring [2010]

Mirrors [2008]

Martyrs In Still Motion

Zombies Zombies Zombies [2008]

Gutterballs [2008]

An Ear To The Blood Soaked Ground - [REC] 2 [2009]

Pink Eye [2008]

Chill [2007]

Splinter [2008]

Midnight Movie [2008]

An Ear To The Blood Soaked Ground - The Thaw [2009]

Dead In 3 Days [2006] aka In 3 Tagen Bist Du Tot

Cold Prey [2006] aka Fritt Vilt

Rahtree: Flower of the Night [2003] aka Buppha Rahtree

100 Tears [2007]

13 Tzameti [2005]

The Strangers [2008]

An Ear To The Blood Soaked Ground - 100 Tears [2007]

An Ear To The Blood Soaked Ground - Black Dynamite [2008]

Shrooms [2006]

Wilderness [2006]

The Midnight Meat Train [2008]

Treevenge [2008] **Short**

Eden Lake [2008]

COMING SOON!!

Donkey Punch [2008]

Repo! The Genetic Opera [2008]

Treevenge [2008] Short